For 30 days, I will share the
joys, pains, and dirty little secrets of my life with multiple sclerosis. My
goal is to find a reason to convince you to support/share my fight against MS.
Please donate today: http://main.nationalmssociety.org/goto/eleanor.
This is Effort Number 15…
Even as I write this blog
post, I struggle to understand the most important reason December 7, 2017, was
my last worst day.
- Statistically, at least according to my almost 6 1/2 years of MS tracking, I was at my lowest overall point. A 44% grade for the day (as a point of reference, yesterday was a 56% grade), I held at that level for most of December and into 2018.
- My divorce was final…
[Congratulations.]
Not now, Inside Voice. Not
now.
[Sorry.]
- My divorce was final — I was living in this crappy little rental house in Beaverton. The place was depressing (gloomy olive green and battleship gray interior walls; nothing in the house had been improved upon during many, many years of neglected tenant living) but it was the only place I could find which met my needs. A one-level home, since I could not climb stairs, close to my daughter drove the only poor decision I could make.
- I was back on the East Coast, visiting my family in Delaware. Over lunch with my sister and brother, I was trying to articulate some of the plans for “my future” that I was considering. As my MS continued to worsen at a rapid pace, how long I would be able to care for myself was in question. We discussed some of the options for the worst possible scenario I could imagine: having to leave my daughter and return closer to the rest of my family for needed support or palliative care.
- I’m sitting at my computer desk even now remembering the reasons why that timeframe was my low point. Those are the three that took medals in my “reasons for the crappiest day” competition, so I’ll just leave it there.
Rationalization of December 7
as my last worst day has taught me a lot about my values: the man I am, my
future, and the expectations I place upon myself.
Before that day, my expression
of the most important consideration was Eleanor – what’s best for that little
girl. My brother corrected my misconception. The most important consideration
in what is going to happen to me is, with no uncertainty, me. Without a focus on
myself, everything else will suffer and lose out. This included Ellie. I
understood the collective ‘me’ is so much more than my own selfish desires.
Only 10 days prior, I posted my blog ‘How My Fight Against MS Broke
(and what happened next).’
“It starts today” was my first expression of the three priorities my brother
would describe as ME: my health, my mind, and My Little Love. I had
already formed the words, only needing someone to translate their meaning for
me.
[Hey! That’s my job.]
Go away, right now.
[Sorry, again!]
Unlike December 7, 2017, all
the previous “worst day of my life” days held a noted reason why they stole
their dubious honor from a prior worst: the trauma I experienced on that day
paled in comparison to one far worse. I never experienced trauma on December
7th, at least not in the traditional sense. My anguish was created in the
preceding weeks, months, and years, as my multiple sclerosis ravaged my body
while my own insecurities tore at my mind and heart.
December 7, 2017, was the day
I admitted defeat and that my own well-being was no longer the primary
consideration. That moment was my low point — a transitory tick in time well
below 44%.
Tommy’s words arrested my
fall.
Since December 7, 2017, every
day has been better. My health, my mind, and My Little Love remain the singular
priority that is me. How I care for myself is driven by the focus and
improvement on how I care for all three of those aspects.
[I could not have said it
better than he did.]
No, you could not.
[We are all glad you
recovered.]
Thanks for the softball…
[‘welcome!]
Have you recovered from the
worst day of my life? Like most answers I would give, there are no clear Yes/No
options. Recovery merely constitutes returning to form: the process of
regaining health or the act of rebounding to normal. Neither one of those
conditions is something I can imagine happening in their purest sense of the
terms. Hell, what is the “healthy” condition I would love to return to? For
that matter, when was I considered “normal” by any standard or definition?
No, I am not recovered. I will
never recover – at least not completely. With advances in treatments and
disease-modifying therapies (THANKS TO YOUR INCREDIBLE DONATIONS AND SUPPORT),
I hope to regain some things I have lost. Optimistically, those future losses
may be mitigated or stamped out completely. With the loving support surrounding
me and my focus on health, body, and My Little Love, I look to continue my
improvement and growth into someone who could never fall victim to the
conditions which created my last worst day.
I long to be an optimist. My
Inner Voice is my pessimist. Together, we need to have a realistic approach
that the fight is not over and it won’t be over until a cure is found. Until
that day comes, part of me will always anticipate my next worst day…
It is my hope that your desire
to prevent the next worst day for everyone fighting multiple sclerosis will
inspire your donation to my fight.
Because it is a fight.
The fight is not over and it won’t be over until a cure is found.
It will never stop…nor will we
It will never quit…nor will we
This is why we ride!
Please
donate today: http://main.nationalmssociety.org/goto/eleanor
100%
of the royalties earned from my books go to the National MS Society, to support
our fight: http://neverstopneverquit.com/books
Never Stop… Never Quit…®
Kevin
Byrne
Portland,
OR
Never Stop…
Never Quit…
Reg. U.S. Pat. & Tm. Off.
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