Never Stop...Never Quit... ®: October 2019

Sunday, October 13, 2019

Effort 32 – One Final Look Back

I will share the joys, pains, and dirty little secrets of my life with multiple sclerosis. My goal is to find a reason to convince you to support/share my fight against MS. Please donate today: http://main.nationalmssociety.org/goto/eleanor.

I require more than 30 Efforts, less would create an unsubstantial portrait of the man who needs your support. 30 days is an unrealistic timeline — once discovered, neither accurate words nor the courage to write them, develop so quickly. How many efforts will this take, and how much time will require to share them? I don’t know the answer, so I will just continue writing.

This is Effort Number 32…

I spent a lot of time over this series of efforts looking into the past. It’s something I don’t want to do anymore, at least not now. I want to talk about how I am shaping the next act in the tale, Never Stop… Never Quit… – The Story of One Man’s Fight.

[Catchy.]

Thanks.

As a necessary evil, I will capitulate one last look back before focus shifts towards my future.

$54,500.71 is our 2019 total, a combination of Eleanor’s Bike MS fundraising efforts and money donated/raised directly by NEVER STOP NEVER QUIT for the MS Gala. Combine those numbers with the 15 other riders on Team Amulet, and our grand total raised for the National MS Society’s Oregon Chapter in 2019 was $83,608.71! The MS Society’s fiscal year ended on September 30 — those numbers are the final tally of an incredible year. My heartfelt thanks go out to every donor, supporter, and volunteer who helped make our success unforgettable.

I will spend more time thanking everyone over the next few months. Your efforts are making a difference. Directly, the money you helped raise is contributing to advancements in research and development of more effective MS treatments, improved care management for those fighting the disease, and bettered our work as we aim to move forward towards a world free of MS.

The “official” numbers have not yet been posted, but ours will not change. I wanted to grasp this opportunity to brag about our success and say thank you. The wins recorded are doing more than benefiting the over 9400 people in Oregon and Southwest Washington fighting MS (nearly 1 million across the US and more than 2.3 million worldwide). Your support has directly aided my treatment, physically, mentally, and emotionally. Thank you.

I will continue to say thanks; I’ll draft and send out our annual thank you cards; I’ll send more books as a sign of appreciation. I remain weighted, however, by The Constant Noise of My Future I shared with you back in the Effort 18. I still firmly believe, “My future is unclear and unwritten. That’s OK.” The burning desire to share facets gaining clarity is too much to hold between only myself and my Inside Voice.

[It’s like you need to share things before their reality becomes apparent.]

I need to share things before their reality becomes apparent.

[It’s like you can’t plan anymore. It’s time to act.]

I can’t plan anymore. It’s time to act.

[It’s like you’re going to go insane if you keep on talking to yourself.]

Stop it!

[Sorry…]

Effort 33 and beyond is my future, sharpened by everything that happened to me, everything I experienced, everyone who shaped me. I want to talk about my plans, successes, and struggles – both now and tomorrow – yesterday is only a measuring stick.

What are the constant noises I hear today regarding my future? Suspense and uncertainty may make for great plot development in my next book, but it surely won’t work well if I try to talk about my life. Some of the areas they intend to cover in my next series of efforts include:

The end of Team Amulet: after 18 years, with over $750,000 raised, I am folding the flag on Team Amulet. Next year, we ride with our new family – Team Road Kill!
I’ll share my 2020 physical rehabilitation and development goals, including Angel’s Rest, Cycling, Tunnel2Towers, and so much more.
My newest struggle – one I never saw coming.
Wine, Beer, and bike MS will return in 2020, bigger and better than we have ever seen.
If all goes well, I’ll be back in school this time next year. That, in itself, may make a great story.
more…

Nothing changes, yet everything is different.

[Everything changes.]

True, that is the one unvarying constant.

[Stop it!]

Sorry…

I hope these stories will inspire you to join my fight to 2020.

Because it is a fight.

The fight is not over and it won’t be over until a cure is found.

It will never stop…nor will we

It will never quit…nor will we

This is why we ride!

Please donate today: http://main.nationalmssociety.org/goto/eleanor

100% of the royalties earned from my books go to the National MS Society, to support our fight: http://neverstopneverquit.com/books

Never Stop… Never Quit…^®

Kevin Byrne

Portland, OR

www.neverstopneverquit.com

www.neverstopneverquit.blogspot.com

Never Stop… Never Quit… Reg. U.S. Pat. & Tm. Off.

Sunday, October 6, 2019

Effort 31 – Purgatory

This is Effort Number 31…

The evening of October 5, 1999, was my sixth in purgatory; I did not yet realize the man I was on September 29th had died.

To call that period in my life dark, the time between my first doctor’s appointment until I first heard the words multiple sclerosis, would be a gross mischaracterization. Darkness is only recognizable in the search for something – light, hope, knowledge, faith. I wasn’t looking. I didn’t know. Instead, the mistakes I learned all over those six days and nights helped carry me into a hole where years would pass before I realized how dark my world had become.

Purgatory was where I created or refined my distractions:

Work focus – not necessarily the “path to success” focus, but the areas I saw value for my soldiers and me
Vices – alcohol, sex, cigarettes (Army regulations prevented me from exploring more dangerous avenues)
Solitude – unless there was a need to satisfy the other two, I preferred nothing

I’m ashamed to admit how many years passed by before my distractions no longer played a primary role in my life decisions.

[That’s not true.]

You’re correct. That is not true.

I’m not ashamed to admit it; truthfully, I don’t know the proper time frame of each distraction. Cigarettes? 2004, with four distinct momentary lapses many years ago. Alcohol? 2019/2020, the jury is still out. Work focus, sex, solitude, even alcohol – is there a safe and healthy way to approach these distractions? If so, when did I reach that point? Did I reach that point yet? Will I ever reach that point?

I don’t blame any of my transgressions on multiple sclerosis. I alone am responsible for my actions. The only reason I share the story with you is to describe what became of my life the week after I died, yet before I realized it happened.

That was 20 years ago yesterday…

Instead of telling my story, I chose to spend the day with Eleanor. We spring-cleaned the house together. Yes, in October. We enjoyed breakfast and dinner at home, opting for our weekly meal out at lunchtime. We enjoyed our time together, and when bedtime came, I soothed my daughter to bed with our nightly ritual, “My Little Love." https://drive.google.com/file/d/1LoNQlJXtNvZ9xnmaPnavcbIW6xU4zawl/view?usp=sharing

I’m proud to say this is the man I have become.

I already told you my story in “Effort 1 – Suicide.” October 6: I had my first MRI at a Korean hospital. The Army didn’t have much of a need for those facilities in-country. I was handed the results to bring back to my doctor at Seoul (2 1/2 hours from where I was based). As my driver was taking me to our camp, I read the dual Korean/English results, where the findings were “possible multiple sclerosis.” I was 27 years old, in command of an air cavalry troop overseas, all alone, and had absolutely no idea what multiple sclerosis was. It took six days to receive a diagnosis that for many MS patients often takes years. I was numb. I went back to our base at Camp Eagle and stared at the wall all night. The next day I drove to Seoul to meet with my neurologist.

20 years later. Everything is different, yet so much remains the same. The man I was indeed died on September 30th. Part of me woke from purgatory on October 6th, yet part of me is still there – the part that still does not understand what this disease is going to do to him. As for the rest? Take your pick: some version/circle of hell, damnation, redemption, salvation.

All of the above? None of the above? I don’t know. I’m no longer sure it matters. What I do know is that today is October 6th again. I’ve known I have multiple sclerosis for 20 years. After giving Ellie a hug and sending her off for the week with her mother, I burnt my body into the ground, for 2 1/2 hours, at the gym. After I post my story, I will fold some laundry, eat dinner, and get a good night’s rest. I will not stare at the wall all night. I will not surround myself with distractions. I will live with a hell of a lot more clarity and light then I did 20 years ago/10 years ago/5 years ago/yesterday. Tomorrow, I drive to the Portland VA hospital for my six-month Rituxan infusion and face whatever comes next.

[That’s a great story, Kevin, but you told everyone yesterday that October 7, 1999, is the date you first heard the words “multiple sclerosis.”]

I was wrong. I went back and read my file.

[Were you wrong then, or are you wrong now?]

Just give me this moment, will you please?

[Sure.]

Asshole.

I hope the stories will inspire your donation to my fight.