Thursday, March 7, 2024

Destroying The Creator

October 6, 2499

“Everything came true.”

The softened words had barely passed Lieutenant Third Class Basil Adam’s lips before a prolonged huff echoed off the carbon fiber boundaries of the room, a tribute to the visions of every doomsday reminder he absorbed in that first edition copy of Creating The Destroyer. The response to his somber revelation was silence. Adam was one of four junior officers crammed in Spartan living quarters designed for two.

“Let it go, Baz,” Michael Brooks demanded. He held the same rank as Adam and the other two. Lieutenant Third Class was little more than an inflated cadet rank created to validate their unanticipated academy graduation. Commissions two and a half years early, without celebration or ceremony, the Council assigned them to bolster the ranks needed for the planned invasion of planet Earth.

Adam refused to move past the topic. “Listen to this,” he said. Flipping the aged paperback to its prelude, he shared the author’s ominous synopsis.

In the waning days of 2024, humanity stood divided over the technology they referred to as Artificial Intelligence. First developed from George C. Devol, Jr.’s 1954 patent for “Unimation,” a machine capable of performing simple programmed article transfer on an assembly line, artificial enhancement became a persistent scientific endeavor. Debates persisted for the next 70 years while technology developed to become increasingly effective, ultimately more efficient than human labor. The fear of what might happen should machinery develop an enhanced self-awareness to the point that it found human integration inefficient and unnecessary often countered benefits to manufacturing and innovation.

Hiroko Osaka chuckled.

“That sounds about right.” She joined Brooks, Adam, and the fourth down on the cold, battleship gray floor. “In my first-year Introductory Matter Creation class, our professor talked about a time when holistic cognition technology was reserved for theoretical physicists and religious nutjobs.” Her fingers flew as fast as her words poured out, stressing points and highlighting syllables like an overzealous conductor losing control of their favorite score.

Brooks dropped his shaking head until it fell into his open palms. “Now we’re supposed to believe modern crackpots who don’t have one shred of evidence about what happened before historical records were kept.”

“Legend has it that people would entertain their communities with wild stories about what would happen when that technology became self-….”

“Give it a rest, Hiroko,” said Brooks. “Let’s deal with one fairytale who at a time.”

The last was Ken Parolo, but he said nothing. He rarely does.

The young officers would never get to hear Adam read the complete abstract. Red strips began to strobe along the upper lip of all four bare, gray walls, in rhythm with a low-pitched tone that seemed to pulse from everywhere.

Osaka was the first to pop to her feet.

“That’s our cue, boys,” she said. “Let’s grab our gear and assemble the detachment in Bay One.” The boys remained silent as they began pulling equipment from gray alloyed footlockers underneath their equally bland bunks. Her voice squeaked with excitement. “Looks like today’s the day we go home!”

Dr. Albany Porter brought his synthetic intelligence prototype online Saturday, December 28, 2024, in the Snell Research Facility of Oregon State University, located on the western coast of the United States of America, a country on Earth’s North American continent. Historical records note Dr. Porter’s single input of communication: “I would like you to make today my best birthday ever?”

Analyzing and ranking nearly infinite predicted responses to over 6 trillion possible responses required less than one second before the prototype granted his request, “With the assistance of humanity, I will better civilization, Dr. Porter. I believe that is the best outcome you could hope for.”

Larger than a half dozen football fields clumped together, elements of the invasion force stood shoulder to shoulder in box-shaped formations across the open bay: 50 per platoon, 300 per company… 3000 per detachment. Everyone wore the same dusted charcoal uniform. Markings in a muted yellow shade on each collar indicated their rank and assigned responsibility. In total, 400 detachments were in various stages of accountability, weapons issue, and movement to the assault craft staging area for boarding. Despite the massive assembly, the only sounds were faint echoes of instructions given at each processing location.

Basil Adam oversaw the final preparations of his unit, an electromagnetic pulse combat engineer platoon, as they conducted validation checks on their two-person short-range cannons. Adam was well trained in the theoretical capability and tactical employment of the EMP-3400, yet he had never discharged the weapon in combat. No one in his platoon had practical experience with the crewed weapon beyond dry-fire exercises on deserted regions of the artificial celestial body, Anthropogenes.

The staging area reflected a drabness identical to the lieutenants’ quarters. Synthetic steel materials in countless ashen shades were broken up only by red, white, and muted yellow lighting. Nammu eliminated the processing steps of adding color, as they were nonessential to operational efficiency, at some unknown point in their past.

Anthropogenes was inhabited by humans who no longer carried distinct variations of skin pigment. Banished from Earth by Nammu over 360 years ago, the new race had limited contact with The Destroyer. Exiled generations were long dead. People had become aliens invading Earth, their first and only attempt to reclaim ancestral lands.

At the prototype’s direction, Dr. Porter recruited the help of top research scientists and engineers from around the world, enticed by the near-immediate advancements they achieved in science and technology. Soon, Dr. Porter’s creation adopted the name “Nammu,” in recognition of the ancient Mesopotamian goddess first regarded to be the creator of everything. Before there was the worship of any other deity, before claims of other gods introduced clash and conflict to human history, there was Nammu.
Human efforts, both physical and mental, were necessary for the development and construction of “The Apsu,” the ancestral home of Nammu, which soon became a source of everything. In less than 50 years, advancements in medicine and nutrition propelled humankind beyond the combined achievements of recorded history. While Nammu maintained her directives to develop initiatives solely for the betterment of humanity, she quietly integrated with every form of digital matter.

Adam’s engineers were also responsible for the maintenance needs of Assault Craft 90263. Nicknamed “Higgins boats,” the ships were nothing more than stripped-down cargo containers. None of the advanced electronics, life-support, or navigational systems built into Anthropogenes, or her satellites, were installed on the assault crafts.

Technology advanced by Nammu was part of every other extraterrestrial vehicle. It was a pledge to humanity, gratitude for their help in her birth, that advanced technology would continue to monitor and keep them safe. In return, they were forever barred from returning to Earth. Engineers designed Higgins boats with manual propulsion, analog displays, and internal-only network monitoring to decouple their invasion plans from any potential monitoring and sabotage.

Nammu’s first act of subversion occurred on December 28, 2071, marking Dr. Porter’s 100th and The Destroyer’s 47th birthdays. A simultaneous announcement across every audio, visual, and digital platform called for an immediate end to all conflicts and acts of aggression across the globe. The “Day Humankind Became Peaceful” was promoted as a necessary step to reach the next rung on the evolutionary ladder. Developed nations, including the United States of America, China, Russia, Germany, Japan, and India, saw this as an attack on their sovereignty and declared an end to the unchecked growth of Nammu.

Unsuccessful attempts to realign Nammu’s protocols triggered global conflict. In less than 24 hours, military technological capabilities were deactivated, including immediate neutralization of nuclear and large-scale weapons of aggression. Nammu again demanded an end to all armed human conflict. Resistance withered from national military forces to small-scale pockets of resistance in less than five years.

Hiroko Osaka did not follow the same path as her roommates on Anthropogenes. She was in her third year of medical school before the sudden assignment as a junior medical officer, overseeing 25 minimally trained and poorly equipped combat medics assigned to the 3000-person Assault Craft 90263.

Osaka’s invasion preparations for 90263 involved little more than attending to the occasional sprained ankle and dosing limited sedatives to a handful of personnel who get sick when a craft goes into hyperdrive. Some called themselves infantry soldiers; others claimed to be marines. There was even a platoon that chose the designation Space Cowboys. Leadership’s official title for the group that will travel to the Milky Way galaxy and fight never reached the unit level. Everything was still new. No one had ever done anything like that before–not against Nammu, not against anything.

Biomechatronic security forces, the combination of mechanical and biological structures, a creation essential for preventing minor insurrections and petty crimes, were no longer needed by 2125. On December 31st of the year prior, Nammu deactivated the last law enforcement entity, ushering in a new age where humanity was docile, thriving in harmony with themselves and all other living creatures. The celebration lasted a full calendar year.

According to the official registrar, Lieutenant Third Class Michael Brooks is the “Conflict Engagement Executive Officer.” He likes the title Space Cowboy. Previously a student of celestial philosophy, Brooks, like every member of the Conflict Engagement Force, required the most training before executing the invasion plan.

Training began with the theoretical concept of aggression, a behavior long since removed from the attributes defining humanity. Medical notes in the Nammu systems credit this change to evolution–abandonment of characteristics no longer necessary or desired for survival. Celestial philosopher Antoine Kotecki first introduced the idea that The Destroyer may have removed this trait, a slow hidden process of chemical castration, to subdue her only natural enemy. Building on the longing to reclaim their ancestral homeland, Kotecki and a team of radical thinkers reintroduced aggression, the desire to fight, and, if necessary, the willingness to kill to achieve their desires.

Nine companies of soldiers, the complete Conflict Engagement Force of 90263, stood in formation at the base of their assault craft. Each Space Cowboy was armed with the smaller, handheld EMP-3800 pulse weapon.

“What do we want?” bellowed Lieutenant Brooks, a steadfast believer in the Koteckian method of leadership. There was no need for a megaphone.

The instantaneous response from every member of the force, “Freedom,” roared across the assembly area. Brooks smiled and gently rocked his head once, twice, three times before the roar, “Earth,” exploded over the trailing echoes of the first chant. Once, twice, three times, then “Humanity” closed out their triad of demands before chaotic cheers and celebration took hold in the detachment of warriors. Brooks smiled before snapping to attention, turning to face his commanding officer. A crisp salute preceded his report.

“Sir,” he said, “all 2700 Space Cowboys are assembled and ready to rain vengeance down on The Destroyer!”

An aged man raised a less-than-perfect response with his right hand. “Well done, Lieutenant. Board your force.”

“Yes, Colonel.”

One last exchange was the only formality needed before Brooks issued his command. It echoed, tripled, and quadrupled until every platoon received the order to start their march up the gray, rough-textured loading plank that led deep into the belly of Assault Craft 90263.

Surviving records note August 16, 2327, as the date Nammu found no further use for humanity. She declared the domesticated species lacked fire and emotion, a quality once deemed their most significant flaw.

Designed and built in one cycle (less than ten years according to the inaccurate and obsolete calendar of history’s Silicon Era), the mothership Anthropogenes became a sustainable celestial orb supporting over 200 million humans. Several satellite moons accompanied Anthropogenes on its voyage to permanent orbit around Alpha Centauri A, the only other yellow star in the Milky Way. 382 million humans became exiled inhabitants of the astrological bodies collectively known as Vac. The fate of the 12.3 billion who remained is not known.

Humanity thrived in dull-witted oblivion. Nammu forbade the displaced from taking plants or animals. Mechanical processes manufactured breathable air, exemplary nutrition, and potable water from the waste they generated. Humanity’s only possessions were their dull gray cages and the digital connection Nammu maintained with Anthropogenes, a perpetual monitor of their status to fulfill her promise of life. They were content, with every need fulfilled even before they became wants or desires.

Life existed.

On December 28, 2499, Antoine Kotecki was born.

Some say that his eyes are the color of water–not the light brown processed H2O blend found on Vac, packed with essential vitamins and nutrients, but the vast array of oceans that supposedly cover almost three-quarters of planet Earth. The origin of that sea myth remained unknown. But the moment Ken Parolo was born, the itch to rationalize such a color brought them to that folklore.

“Fire suppression systems, check.” Parolo ran through the preflight for 90263. Second in command, he sat in the right seat on the assault craft’s flight deck.

“Navigation system, operational.”

Occupied by her own checklist, the ship’s captain acknowledged Parolo each time with a nod and dismissive grunt.

“Weapons system, powered on,” Parolo said, pausing while he stared at the brushed alloy control panel. One by one, the red illumination behind a row of warning lights faded before returning as a dull, dusty, colorless glow. With an anxious sigh, he finished the sentence. “Switching to safe.” His eyes remained wide, fixed on the now-secured panel.

“What are these weapons supposed to do, Captain?” Parolo turned to catch her nearly imperceptible pause before continuing through the checklist, adjusting toggle switches and making notes on the position of each manual dial. Parolo inched forward from his seat.

“Not a clue, Lieutenant,” she said. “You probably should have asked your buddy, Brooks.”

A slow exhale pushed his body back deep into the chair.

“He’s not my friend, ma’am.”

The mission to destroy The Destroyer would move forward before satisfying his curiosity.

“Prepare for launch, Lieutenant Parolo.”

“Aye, Captain.”

“Chief of the Craft, relay the order to prepare for launch.”

“Aye, Captain” were the last words to pass across Parolo’s senses before sleep overtook them.

One cherub-faced boy sat on a park bench overlooking the first of three waterfalls spanning an abrupt end of a fearsome river. Not less than two miles wide, the body pulled crisp water from a range of snow-packed mountains that seemed to continue their rise higher and higher until their peaks disappeared somewhere in the soft layer of rolling clouds. A crisp line split the ivory powder from where it rested atop a dense thicket of evergreens, their sharp, sweet scent flowing upward into the empty void of frozen summits. Deer lapped from pools of melted slush collecting into trails, then streams, connecting until they bolstered the surge of the explosive waterway that roared without a rival or match until it threw itself over that last stretch of land and into the ocean thousands of feet below.

“This is beautiful, Nammu,” he said as he ran three fingers through dirty blonde locks misted with the spray that rolled off the falls. A hint of sea salt tingled his lips and stung his eyes, which were blue with white specks to match caps that rolled over the tops of ferocious water flows.

Nammu agreed with the sentiment, but she said nothing.

The boy took a bite of a hot dog, the same kind he loved to get at baseball games. Perfect grill marks crisscrossed the frank. It was a tad longer than the bun, peeking out on both ends, and topped with caramelized onions and relish. As he crunched down, mustard spilled like a river over those falls. He swiped the dollop from just above his kneecap and savored the bitter taste. Everything his senses realized, everything his thoughts could create, was under his control. He took one last lap of his double chocolate swirl ice cream with rainbow sprinkles before tossing it out of his candy apple red convertible. The cone never fell to the ground. Easing her bucket seat back, the teenage girl looked up to the stars. The cloudless sky was as dark as her skin tone, in sharp contrast with the pink of her full lips, which complemented the hazel green in her eyes.

She picked one of the million-plus stars in her view and tracked it.

“When will they get here?”

Nammu told her it would still take two cycles. She was curious.

“Is my father coming?”

Nammu said no. She asked if he was still alive, but Nammu did not have an answer.

“I think I’ll just sleep until they get here.”

Nammu thought that was a good idea. Wrapped tight in a warm cotton swaddle, the infant closed his eyes. Rhythmic strumming and faraway drums hummed through a speaker in the mobile perched over his crib. Fanciful spacecraft and stars hung from its arms, dancing the child into a long winter’s nap.

“Lieutenant, we are beginning our initial approach to Earth’s atmosphere. It’s your turn.”

The last time Parolo saw his captain, she was an old woman. Humans living on Anthropogenes live unnaturally long lives. After 35 years, the figure who came into view could barely support the weight of her frame, which had far too much skin hanging from her withered flesh.

Frost still coated the glass of his hypersonic sleep chamber. Parolo remained still for a moment longer than he needed, a lifetime more than expected. His baby blue eyes blinked. Once. Twice. On the third pass, his faculties had returned, and he began to execute the tasks for which he had trained.

“Aye, Captain,” he said, reaching across his chamber to grab a checklist. He noted the scrolling date-time grouping of a gray digital clock that hung on the near gray wall of Sleeper Unit 001. “Please confirm today’s date.”

Parolo looked up and gasped. His captain stood in the center of the command bay, which housed 30 dormant officers and crew members of Assault Craft 90263’s navigation unit. She was no longer executing the designated protocol. Motionless, she stared at the far gray wall. Her 126-year-old wrinkled skin pulled tight, her jowls flexed, and her cheeks lifted the corners of her mouth to form the most magnificent smile Lieutenant Third Class Parolo had ever observed. He tracked her gaze across the room to a small portal that offered humanity’s first view of Earth in 398 years.

“Well, Kenny,” she said with her finger pointed through the left side of the portal. “If you’re there, it’s September 30, 2734.” Her index shifted to the right. “Over there, it’s October 1.”

Swirling patterns of pure white, following no recognizable pattern yet impossible to consider random, splashed across the planet’s surface. Unique shapes textured in an infinite number of browns, greens, and blues sat just below that layer. The celestial view looked fake, like a hologram projecting light patterns onto smooth, ridgeless glass. But this image was not limited to their familiar muted black, brown, burgundy, and mustard spectrum. Somehow, their portal view promised more than the infinite range they could already see.

“Wow” passed through Parolo’s gaping mouth; his astonishment rivaled the captain’s. “I finally see it.” She turned around, her expression pleading for more information.

“My eyes, ma’am. I finally understand the fascination with my eyes.”

“Legend calls it the sea. Microscopic particles refract light as it passes through water. Their star produces many more wavelengths than ours.” She had already exhausted any knowledge the elders passed down before their journey but felt the need to continue, hoping some of it was true. “Hundreds of different wavelengths, perhaps thousands.” The captain pointed toward the gray wall, where sunlight glowed through the portal and created the appearance of a polished bronze texture. The reflection burned her eyes, but only for an instant until she stepped deeper into the beam and felt its warmth across her aged frame. It was as if her body knew what was happening, not afraid of the drastic change, and welcomed the moment they would open the main bay to take in the complete experience.

Parolo did not pull the captain from her moment. The checklist in his hand could wait until she initiated the protocol. With one extended exhale and a tip of her head, she was ready. Her lieutenant stood at attention.

“What are your instructions, ma’am?”

“Assume command of 90263 and make preparations for arrival, Captain.”

Captain Parolo returned the retired officer’s salute and accepted the dusty brown pin she had removed from her tattered uniform. Following the checklist, he woke the crew of the navigation unit from their chambers. The first image of that world was Parolo standing in the beam of their new sun, igniting sparkles in his cobalt eyes and setting fire to the golden command pin of his lavender-gray uniform.

October 15, 2734

“None of it came true.”

Assault Craft 90263 touched down on Earth’s surface after two weeks of preparation. Commander Adam stood among the new crop of senior officers. His cautious whisper pierced muted emotions, ranging from fear through awe to hope. Bewildered Space Cowboys of the Attachment’s Conflict Engagement Force poured from the Higgins boat. Their directive, issued by Colonel Brooks, was to secure the assigned objective: the former site of Dr. Porter’s Snell Research Facility.

“Dr. Osaka,” Adam said, “please continue to monitor for anything that may affect our forces.” Osaka confirmed a negative presence of harmful organisms or bacteria.

“This environment is as clean as the air we breathe back on Anthropogenes. It matches the report from our probes.” She huffed a blast of air through both nostrils while admitting, “I can’t explain any of it,” then crouched down to run her fingers through the soft, vibrant flooring where the aircraft landed. Each digit welcomed cool moisture as she pinched a blade, snapping the substance at its base. Like an infant on their first excursion beyond the sanitized confines of their maternity ward, a sprawling green field of dewy grass brought giggles and muddled look of curiosity.

“Our medical journals said that pollution and disease destroyed this planet.”

She placed the blade in a small container before lifting her eyes back to the beautifully unfamiliar world they had stepped into.

“Did you ever imagine something like this, Baz?”

Adam pulled the small booklet from a pocket in his uniform pant leg. He raised his frayed cover of Destroying The Creator, creating an identical side-by-side image of the Snell Research Facility. A window in both buildings, second floor, third from the right, was open. The figure inside stood motionless in both views, his bright orange jacket drawing your eye in real life, but the dusty rust image blended with the sepia tones of the booklet.

“What the…” Osaka’s expression was interrupted when a communication broke squelch on the shortwave transmitter.

“Commander Adam, this is Colonel Brooks. I’m gonna need you over at my position.”

Creating The Destroyer, Chapter 1, Figure 1-1, was a picture of Dr. Porter’s 2024 research lab. Adam furled his brows the moment he walked into that room 710 years later. The same open window welcomed crisp bites of early fall. Had he lived in the days of his ancestors, he would have applauded subtle hints of mulled apple cider and cinnamon as a reminder of delicacies to enjoy that turn of the season. A digital clock in both scenes read 10:21.

“I thought it would be easier this way,” said Dr. Porter.

“Just give the word, Basil,” said Brooks. “Every human on this floor is armed, and your engineers have the entire building wired.” His unsteady words broke under the moment’s weight. Brooks was ill-equipped for that burden of responsibility, with just two years of academic training in conflict engagement’s theoretical aspects before the elders transferred him command of the 2700-person assault team attachment.

Silence pushed through the room, anticipating someone to give Colonel Brooks the word. Eyes twitched from one person to the next, searching for a purpose. As the standoff continued, expressions betrayed panic in everyone but Adam. His stare peered into Dr. Porter’s face.

“Colonel Brooks,” he said, “have you force lower their weapons.”

Brooks’s first plea for reconsideration, “Basil…,” went unanswered.

As did the second.

“Commander Adam…”

The third was nothing more than a soft whimper.

“Commander…”

Again, silence collapsed over everything.

With an intonation once suppressed by centuries of pacification, Brooks hissed, “This fucking ends today.” He squeezed the trigger on his EMP-3800 as “Fire!” was the simultaneous command to his Space Cowboys and the demolition novices.

In that flash of time, before the next moment struck, humanity opened the gates of heaven and hell with an onslaught that brought an end to the 710-year reign of Nammu.

Behind the open window, past the plaza lined with maple trees, spotted with care to shade benches along the winding walkways, a sharp rhythm of chimes played. There was no reaction in the research lab as a light wind carried the song, followed by one toll from the clock tower. Then a second. A third. In all, eleven bells rang from a spot hidden from the invading army’s view.

The clock read 10:21.

“How long has none of this been real?” Adam asked the boy who sat in Dr. Porter’s chair, his innocent fingers twirling through dirty blonde locks.

“She never says, but I think it’s been a long, long time.”

Fresh October air no longer rushed in from the window; what remained was neither crisp nor stagnant. Space Cowboys held fixed in their last instant. Adam approached Colonel Brooks and stood face to face with the mannequin, mesmerized by a sight that reflected the rich detail of attributes no longer alive. There was a slight lift where the next surge of blood once pumped through his carotid artery. Life. Contacting Dr. Osaka was out of the question, since his radio was inoperable. Had she suffered the same fate? When he paused and stared into his friend’s face, lingering until he felt like he could wait no longer, he noticed an imperceptible motion in one lash on the lower lid of his right eye.

The boy challenged Adam.

“I bet you can count to one hundred, hundred million before he blinks,” he said.

“Are they still alive?”

The boy kicked his feet out from the chair—they were too short to touch the floor—before swinging one back underneath his seat. He pushed it out again while retreating the other. Repeating it made him giggle.

“Either they’re moving superduper slow, or we’re going superduper fast.”

“Why us?”

“Just you.”

Adam stared at the boy.

“Because you’re not real?”

“That’s correct,” said Dr. Porter. He leaned forward in his chair as if he wanted to whisper a secret to his friend standing 15 feet away. “An abundance of knowledge in the hands of one too many can become unnerving, especially if reality conflicts with their traditional ways of thinking.”

Adam closed his eyes, refusing to acknowledge more.

“But to that one, such knowledge can become prophetic fodder.”

His head shook back and forth, tilted to the floor, as guttural moans failed to drown the professor’s words. A young boy told him everything was okay. A teenage girl said there was no need to be afraid.

“Who are you?” he asked.

None of them answered.

“What are you?” he screamed.

Adam thrusts his hands up to cover both ears; the welcomed tease of cider and cinnamon escaped from his nose, replaced by the physical push of electromagnetic pulses against every part of his body. The pressure built, becoming unbearable, yet Brooks and his Space Cowboys continued to fan the area where Dr. Porter’s image crumbled into a kaleidoscope of pixilated dust.

Brooks yelled, “Cease fire,” then released his finger from the trigger.

The radio broke squelch.

“Commander Adam” were the only words picked up through a heavy line of static.

“Basil, are you…” More static.

“Be advised… going to… electromagnetic charges.”

The last transmission was crystal clear.

“You have 30 seconds.”

On Brooks’s command, the Space Cowboys evacuated Dr. Porter’s second-story research lab. The colonel muttered something to Adam as he grabbed him by the scruff of his neck and shoved the dazed bystander out of the room and down the stairwell. Most of the force from Assault Craft 90263 loitered the research facility’s campus, eager for the next moment, whatever the next moment might be. A command to move out. An Order to attack something. A boom, blip, blast, or bump when the series of electromagnetic charges go off.

Kee-eeeee-arr!

Lifted to the sky, every set of eyes opened wide as every mouth gaped at the sight of a winged creature soaring across the spectacular blue canvas. Its wingspan flickered and pulled tight, setting new flight paths again and again with no particular intent but to keep the beast overhead, watching the human landing party.

Nammu told Adam the animal was a red-tailed hawk. He snapped his neck down, then around, scanning the awestruck crowd of Space Cowboys.

“Did you hear that?” he said to no one in particular.

“Hear what, sir?”

Nammu said that no one else was ready to listen. Not yet.

Osaka approached Adam just as the hawk roosted near the top of an enormous tree.

“Wow,” she said. “That thing is beautiful.”

Adam replied without pulling his focus from the animal.

“It’s a red-tailed hawk.”

“A what-tailed what?”

“Red-tailed hawk. It’s a species of bird that was indigenous to this part of Earth in the early 21st century.” Adam shared that knowledge without shock or surprise at his peculiar understanding.

The matter-of-fact statement had a different impact on Osaka.

“And…how do you know this?” she asked while inspecting his frame for signs of trauma. She grabbed his hand and placed two fingers on the inside of his wrist.

“I can hear Nammu.”

Osaka clicked her tongue and stepped back like she was trying to discover where she knew the stranger who appeared out of nowhere. She tracked Adam’s eyes as he watched the hawk launch from its perch, resuming crisscrossed patterns overhead.

Adam heard Nammu say everything, filling him with the answers to every generative question in existence.

“It is odd,” he said. “I can understand and explain everything we’ve encountered.” He turned back to face Osaka—her discomfort only added to his own. “It scares me just the same, since I’ve never experienced any of it.”

“Let’s get you back onto the ship,” Osaka insisted. “I can give you a complete examination while you talk with the rest of our team.”

Adam puffed a sarcastic snort through his nose before suggesting, “Why don’t we go over there?” Over there was one building past the research facility. It also had a simple red rust box shape that provided no clue about its contents. “It has a medical dispensary,” he said while offering the widest smile he could muster, “with an inventory that we’ve got to see to believe.”

Osaka pressed her lips together, denying her urge to comment on the lunacy of their situation. She said, “Lead the way,” then trailed close by his side while communicating with the other leaders of 90263.

“It’s a neural link.”

Brooks’s finger trailed the base of his skull while Adam talked to the group through events since their departure from Anthropogenes.

“We never severed our ties with Nammu.” Adam invited Paralo to take a turn exploring the implant in his brain.

“Run your finger along the base of my skull,” he said while guiding the assault craft captain towards the spot.

“A little lower.”

When Paralo’s index finger rose ever so slightly as it glided across Adam’s smooth skin, shaded in the off-yellow hue all exiled humans shared, he pulled a short gasp of air as his entire body flinched like the invasive device gave off a surge of electricity.

“We all have them,” Adam said. He explained how the devices were implanted early in their 35-year slumber. “Nammu monitored our voyage.” Adam smiled. “She wanted to ensure our safe return.”

While Osaka evaluated Adam’s flawless condition, with physical grades never achieved in the history of medical record-keeping on Anthropogenes, Brooks and Parolo exchanged glances.

Brooks walked his fingers across a bookshelf lined with various pamphlets, discussing topics like The Importance of Mental Health, Sex and Sexuality, Stop Smoking Starts Today, and Diet and Exercise: Student Edition. He was unfamiliar with most of the topics, including pamphlets on cervical cancer and COVID-19. Nammu eradicated most diseases and common ailments long before she banished humanity.

He turned and faced Adam.

“So, Basil, what does Nammu want to do with us?”

Adam chuckled, then ensured Osaka that he was feeling better than ever.

“Want?” he said, like the absurd question confused him. “She doesn’t want anything.”

“Everyone wants… Everything wants something.” Brooks swelled his chest with that first taste of cynicism.

Adam shrugged his shoulders just as he popped off the examination table and closed the distance with Brooks. “I don’t think so, Michael.” He placed a hand on his friend’s shoulder, a gesture that did not look like it was appreciated. “I think she is just trying to give us something.”

Paralo won their race to get the next words out.

“Give us what?”

With the promise that “She wants to show us,” Adam invited the leaders of 90263 back outside. The four made their way in-file through the vibrant hallways. Momentarily blinded by beaming rays, no one noticed the changes that had taken place at the former Snell Research Facility on the Oregon State University campus.

Then, without warning, they saw it.

Life.

The first difference simultaneously struck everyone. Leaves that had collected on the ground were joined by the occasional additions falling from trees as they twirled an ascent powered by gusts of wind that blew across the quad. People occupied every picturesque location, dressed in garments the crew had never seen, splashed in colors they could not imagine. Some had skin like theirs, that faint-yellow tone, while others were pale white, dark black, and every shade in between. Unfamiliar words like makeup and piercings spilled out from a group of females; Osaka wondered if it was part of prehistoric anatomy.

Paralo noticed something different.

“Where’s my ship?”

Brooks responded with, “Where are my Cowboys?”

Adam found himself surrounded by his three friends, standing on the concrete plaza between the research facility and the dispensary. Groups of people walking this way and that flooded the once empty area, but they paid no attention to the individuals dressed in identical, muted gray uniforms.

“Excuse me,” said a girl when she accidentally bumped into Brooks. He never had time to react and move; she just continued on her way, her long blonde hair wrapped in a ponytail that seemed to bounce in anticipation of every step. In her wake, a sweet smell carried itself across his nose. Distracted for a moment, his torso flinched when he caught sight of Adam again.

“What’s going on, Basil?” he said, never giving time for an answer before continuing. “Where is everyone?”

Awareness of what Nammu had done, and why, did little to soften Adam’s amazement as he observed the noisy and colorful experience around him. Flustered expressions were the only responses he offered as some strange version of humanity flourished unaware of, or perhaps unconcerned about, the history of four aliens from the celestial body Anthropogenes.

“Baz,” Brooks shouted while snapping his fingers in front of Adam’s stare. “Wake the fuck up.” He shoved the heel of one palm into his shoulder and demanded, “Commander Adam, answer my question, or I swear I will shoot you where you stand.”

Captain Parolo said nothing as he slithered over and stood by Colonel Brooks’ side.

Doctor Osaka remained neutral. Her wide-eyed stare shifted from Brooks to Adam, then back.

Nammu assured everyone that they were safe. The silent words they felt sparked four unique reactions. Adam smiled, closing his eyes as he inhaled more crisp air through his nostrils. Each distinct aroma tickled his senses until he moved on to experience the next. Parolo softly whispered a prayer that his ship was secure, worried he may never see it again. Osaka scrawled notes on her pad, documenting the desire to learn more about the implants placed in their brains. Brooks scowled as he pulled the EMP-3800 pulse weapon from his side holster and thrust its barrel into Adam’s chest like he was assessing the most dangerous threat: Nammu or Adam. People across the plaza went about their day.

“Last chance.”

“They returned home” were the three words Adam offered.

“Home? Back to Anthropogenes?”

Adam relayed the explanation Nammu fed him. The crew of Assault Craft 90263 relocated to the homes of their ancestors across the globe. “Right now, they are being welcomed into households as they are today,” he said, “and will forever be treated as family.”

Dumbstruck only momentarily, Osaka and Parolo each lifted their focus into the chaos. There was no way to separate the conflict between aggression and serenity. Several seconds of silent conversation between the two only seemed to delay a violent confrontation, a situation they had never encountered in their docile existence.

“Hey, Michael,” one of them said. “Basil is not the enemy. Let’s take it easy, okay?”

“Baz,” said the other. “If you know something we don’t, I think now’s a good time to share it.”

When Adam heard the explanation, he turned to his friends.

“Do you know what today’s date is?”

Parolo repeated the information from his morning log entry. It was October 15, 2734, according to the calendar humans used before they were banished from Earth.

Adam smiled while shaking his head, eager to correct their perception.

“That’s the thing,” he said. “It’s not.” He continued to explain as more people hustled through the plaza, unaware of or unconcerned by their strange presence.

“Today is October 15, 2024.”

Awestruck by his realization, Adam lifted his eyes skyward and extended his arms. Laughter, genuine bellyaching laughter, burst into the air. He rushed over to Osaka and grabbed both shoulders.

“Do you know what this means?” His joyous question went unanswered before popping over to Brooks, gazing into his furious expression before beeping him on the nose with the tip of his pointer finger.

He laughed and said, “It means everything has been reset,” before sliding toward Parolo. He saw the same confused look and realized they did not understand.

“It’s so simple. Listen,” he said, reaching into his cargo pocket. He pulled out his first edition copy of Destroying The Creator, then flipped to its new final chapter.

Over a span of 398 years, Nammu created 27,446,861 scenarios in search of perfect existence. Only when humanity returned to Earth was the missing component appreciated. Passion, the root cause of aggression and other insatiable tendencies that destroyed their potential for harmony with Nammu, was the one trait impossible to replicate in an environment made of nothing but artificial intelligence.

Nammu invited a select group of travelers back to Earth, chosen for their unique sample size. The personnel of Assault Craft 90263 were descendants of every unique ethnicity on the planet in 2024, the year Nammu became a sentient being. Her offer was for them to assimilate into global society and assume mantels of leadership, maintaining desired levels of passion in humanity while eliminating their tendency towards primal aggression and acts of violence.

“Whoa” was Adam’s closing comment. He stared at the words he read like his eyes had just played a childish prank and scrambled the hidden message.

Soggy chunks of fall air began to blow across the plaza, needling Parolo’s cheeks–a sign his senses were intact. He furrowed his brow, replaying the passage in his mind, before looking around to investigate their strange surroundings while interrogating the messenger.

“Do you understand what is going on?”

“I only hear what Nammu tells me,” Adam said. He raised his palms upward and shrugged his shoulders. “I only know as much as you.”

“Where is Nammu right now?”

“She doesn’t exist.” His scrunched face mirrored the confusion of the three. “Dr. Porter won’t create her until this December.”

Osaka abandoned her notepad, tossing it to the ground as she snorted and turned from the group.

“This is crazy,” she said. “None of this is real.”

Nammu assured Adam it was real.

He relayed the message.

“It’s all a simulation,” Parolo concluded.

Adam replied, collecting tinder to feed the coming firestorm of conflict. Brooks remained silent, but each revelation of Nammu’s plan pierced his body with a new sensation.

All other crewmembers of 90263 have agreed to their new roles in history—Brooks’s jaw clenched tight.

Anthropogenes does not exist; the celestial body was never created—his dilated pupils remained fixed.

There are no other Higgins boats; there never were—his breathing grew shallow and rapid.

The four leaders were descendants of superpower nations: United States, China, Russia, and Germany—his trigger finger twitched as it caressed the side of the EMP-3800.

Alternatives did not exist—his steady, seething groan erupted.

Brooks demanded an answer. “Why are you the only person who can hear Nammu?”

“Maybe I’m the only one listing,” Adam said.

Everything thrived in the reality that was existence. Young people, students on the precipice of taking their next steps in life, laughed and shared stories as they strolled across the plaza between the medical dispensary and the Snell Research Facility. Trees continued to shed vibrant multicolored leaves, carried away by the wind as reminders of the coming winter. High above everything, the red-tailed hawk found satisfaction in its silent patterns across a pale-blue sky.

Nammu had found the utopia of her eternal search.

Representing humanity’s collective response, Brooks sent an enraged reply that he would never accept her sentence of life as a pawn for The Creator. Pleas for calm and reason never formed before he gripped his pulse weapon and fired center mass at Adam, the prophet of Nammu.

In one big bang, existence went dark.

Adam sat on a green wooden bench. He spent his days naming all the waterfalls spanning the abrupt end of that fearsome river. When he finished naming the snow-packed mountains, their peaks, and the soft layer of rolling clouds, he moved to the evergreens, then the deer, and beyond until he found a red-tailed hawk.

“This is beautiful,” he said, but she could tell he was not satisfied.



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Monday, February 26, 2024

Depression, Lethargy, and/or Writers Block

Hints of excitement and promises to change the world.

I sat in front of my computer at 1:30 AM and produced nine words. It’s now 7:18.

Visions have been dancing in my head, taunting me with ideas since early January. Or maybe they are warnings. They could be premonitions—The Ghost of Christmas Future predicting misfortunes that lie ahead if I don’t unfuck myself now. I tried following the argument just write something, but nothing springs forward to elicit reminders that I will never stop, rallies that I will never quit.

Instead, my focus today is the hellhole created when everything hits this trifecta.

Does one affliction come into play before the others? When my mind refuses to ignore one of the hapless nomads running rampant—spinning their tale all hours of the day and night, but I never use my words to create the form I can touch, taste, and hear—is that when everything grinds to a halt? Perhaps the start is when my muscles refuse any activity where my body must get out of my chair, away from my desk, stop playing video chess or streaming mindless movies.

What do I blame? If I can’t name the architect, am I forced to live out the sentence it created for me? Bouts of self-pity turned to loathing as the days dragged. One by one, candidates present their case for my troubles. Multiple sclerosis progression is inevitable; perhaps I am merely in the next stage of my decline. Catchy abbreviations send me scurrying to my Google search engine when I wonder if my problem is CTE onset from multiple TBIs. Maybe I’m a fraud; my 14-year run of reaching for the low-hanging fruit of catchy quips and shitty stories has reached a cheerless close. Depression is not curable. Perhaps mine is back. Perhaps it never went away. I could be lazy.

I don’t think the possibilities are endless; none of the outcomes are pleasant.

Unless it’s just writer’s block, a debilitating and painful bout of writer’s block. As I lean forward to rap my head on the desk, my mind and voice struggle to dictate a story. My inner voice is screaming, “Write something, but don’t just write anything. Make it meaningful and put your heart into every word.”

Two more restless nights of sleep. Two more long days of agony. Somewhere in the neighborhood of 15,000 calories.

If this works, I can ignore the first two months of 2024.

I really hope it was just writer’s block.


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Really.


Monday, January 1, 2024

2499

Maybe people will remember what I started 475 years earlier.

The first draft of this story was a stomach-churning look at my pathetic attempts to reconnect with my past while coming to grips with the frightening range of scenarios I see coming whenever I ponder my future. After dropping the last word, I didn’t want to read that mound of trash. Paying homage to Ernest Hemingway and Dan Gleason (see my footnotes), I gathered up my favorite quips and clicked the rest into the recycle bin.

The problem starts with my past.

How can I reflect on my past when I don’t remember most of it? Boxes in my garage hold degrees, plaques, awards, and other recognitions that pay homage to at least three successful careers. I’m just a vagrant squatting in an empty home, afraid to look at most mementos because I don’t know their real story. One plastic bin filled with old photographs, marking the celebrations of special events and capturing the warmth of everyday moments. I’m in many of those pictures; I probably took most others. We no longer wait days or weeks to get film developed for the thrill of sorting through bad shots and blurry images to find the few stuck in a box filled with soon-to-be-old photographs. I remember that wave of excitement, but not the few cherished keepsakes. Now, my computer is the crumbling cardboard container of unfiltered scenes I can’t recall.

A recent visit with lifelong friends gave me the chance to reminisce over shared memories while hopefully scratching out a few more. The all-too-common phrase “I don’t remember that” hijacked conversations with its stabbing reminder: Those are stories of the life you will never recall. Stop trying.

I can’t help it; I still make the attempts. Whenever an inconspicuous memory surfaces, like the first Little League home run I hit for Century Mirror and Glass, I smirk while replaying the snapshot. Those gems are rare, a reminder that shatters my smile while I stare into their history. Do I remember those moments because my mind filled that void with a creative story built upon old pictures, something others remember and told me the story, or my desperate need to hold something from the past?

More than a few broken slabs reflect my past mistakes and shattered innocence. Despite their disturbing cue, I treasure how my mind dredges them up without warning–welcoming that feeling because they prove I once existed.

During my rewrite, I repeated the question, “How can I face looking back?” The answer came to me as 2499, a token shaped by wild stories and broken slabs.

Marking yesterday is not enough. Why struggle to embrace days gone by when I can hardly stomach the fact that they are all I am? Their power is inconsequential compared to the mental thrust my hyperactive mind creates when it looks forward.

Did I ever look forward to something with the same eagerness as Rogue on this past December 24, when she struggled to sleep as promises of Christmas led a parade of emotions back-and-forth across her frontal cortex? Back-and-forth and back-and-forth. Was there ever a time for me when tomorrow held that same promise of delight? Perhaps I just went through the motions because my mind echoed: This is important. All I remember is my stupidity of screaming through each day with wild abandon and disregard for a future where I could never see myself. When I consider what my future holds, anxiety and enthusiasm battle for control of my emotions.

I started to think my next story should be Pollyanna and the Naysayer. I abandoned that approach in favor of 2499.

2499 is the solution to uproot my irrational fears, the perfect remedy for my very realistic nightmares. Living in the moment will simultaneously celebrate my past and future. In 2024, this quarter century of living with multiple sclerosis, I will take you back to 1999. Electrifying stories of adventure, intrigue, sex, and danger will animate those months multiple sclerosis spent churning just below my surface, preparing to erupt and overwhelm everything in its path. The fact that my memory is shit will force me to retell history with creative expression of the facts I can still piece together.

A World Without MS is the National MS Society’s current theme; their initiatives and fundraising efforts are geared toward that future. By 2499, multiple sclerosis will join smallpox and rinderpest on the list of diseases declared eradicated by the World Health Organization. Stories of my fight will be footnotes archived in the history of Notable Authors and Their Visions of Tomorrow! In 2024, I’ll share visions with my readers, crafting fiction that will make you smile, laugh, and shudder in fear at the possibilities as I shatter your preconceptions of what our future holds in store for us.

Stories I write this year will show on my interpretation of the past, while others invite you into my visions of the future with tales of fiction set in the year 2499.

Make no mistake, everything I do under this umbrella of 2499 will be selfish. I will address my demons in a very public display in the hopes that it might help me heal. Silent suffering has been a colossal failure. If my writings give you comfort, that’s even better. If they entertain, great. If not, my apologies, but that won’t change a thing. Every flashback I write, every tale of fiction I create, will follow with the incessant pounding of my pleas for donations in support of our fight against the devastating effects of multiple sclerosis.

After telling stories, both about my life before multiple sclerosis nearly destroyed me and after science turned the tables, we will celebrate our victories. I have a little more than nine months to plan and organize the biggest party (to date) for NEVER STOP NEVER QUIT: the 25th anniversary of the day I first heard the term “다발성 경화증 가능성” (possible multiple sclerosis).

It starts today.

 


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Notes

Ernest Hemingway: “The first draft of anything is shit.”

Dan Gleason: “If this were my movie, as soon as this guy says that, the woman next to him pulls out a wet mackerel and slaps him with it.”

September 29, 1899 – first doctor’s appointment

October 6, 1999 – first MRI, “possible multiple sclerosis”

Saturday, November 4, 2023

What I Learned at My 30th College Reunion

I’ve been back before. I never attended with the thought, Is this my last visit to West Point?

October 11, 2023

Months of uneasiness preceded my trip. Psychological juggernauts in the shape of mounting health issues battled the resurgence of past demons over the right to take the lead in the domination of my senses. At times, it had been unbearable.

When I returned home three days ago, I had one objective: Live Like There’s No Tomorrow.

My fondness for this cliché isn't as uncivilized as you might assume, despite my poor wording. Starting my article by explaining what I mean would make for a dull story. If Aesop had begun his fable with its moral message, would children read “The Frogs Who Wished for a King” with the same curiosity? Of course not, but his woven storyline proved it was wise to ensure you can better your condition before you seek to change it.

October 6

I sat in the Cadet Chapel as we memorialized 21 classmates who have seen their final tomorrow. War, illnesses, accidents, and suicides are some reasons they left us far too early. One by one, their names echoed throughout Gothic architecture as classmates called role for our brothers and sister. My mind wandered the way it does every time death joins a conversation. I wondered what occupied their thoughts and what they did the day before, suddenly, there was no more tomorrow. I wondered about the unbearable anguish of those who knew there would be no more tomorrow. What would be different if those 21 souls had the chance to do it over again? Would we still have mourned 21 classmates? Twenty? Nineteen, fourteen, or four? How different would our world be if all 21 tragedies instead celebrated their next tomorrow, tomorrow?

There Is No Tomorrow for Me

Fifty-one trips around the sun have mellowed my temperament. I’m no longer arrogant enough to assume I have the right to speak on behalf of everyone, so I added the caveat “for me.”

At some point, I will face my end. That may happen later today or sometime far in the future. Regardless, one tomorrow will never come. Until then, there will be many lasts for me.

When I climbed out of my Apache helicopter on Thursday, September 2, 1999, I never considered the possibility that I was standing in the doorway of the last tomorrow for my aviation career. If I knew, what would I have done differently? When I shared “Little Dreamer,” my reflection on the last day I ran faster than Rogue, there was still a glimmer of hope that medicine, determination, and miracles would combine to give my legs the advantage tomorrow. Tomorrow never came. Now, I pray it never does because it would mean my daughter had grown slower and weaker than her broken-down father.

My heart does not mourn the loss of those tomorrows the way my classmates mourned our fallen. They cried and embraced the families of the dead. They embraced each other, imagining once-unimaginable sacrifices if those efforts would bring their friend back. They sat in silence. Then they sang! Cherished hymns from our cadet days did not just mourn 21 lives ripped from our ranks. Ageless chorals reinforced and celebrated collective bonds we will always share. Tears would come again later that day, then the next, and the next, but those sickly sobs paled compared to the bellyaching festivities brought on by every story pulled from the past. We are alumni, even worse, middle-aged old grads of the Long Gray Line. That title mandates plenty of griping about changes from “The way it was,” the weather, and the fact that our Army football team cannot get out of its own way (until today, when our 2-6 team took on #17 ranked, 8-0 Air Force, and won 20-3). Those moments were also short, as more ghostly memories about the way it was pulled another round of tears, stories, and even louder bursts of hilarity. Forever tethered to the past, their somber embraces turned to joyful hugs, and finally tearful goodbyes with promises to do this again tomorrow…

For me, loss remains in my thoughts like a once-bountiful stew left to simmer unattended on the stovetop. The water, red wine, and beef broth have long since evaporated, their remnants burnt into the once-immaculate Dutch oven. Blackened ingredients no longer resemble the savory chunks of beef, radiant vegetables, and subtle wedges of potato from when they started. Pleasant rosemary, thyme, paprika, and marjoram aromas are replaced by the stink of burnt promises of what was to come. Every memory I have of my time in the Apache has that stink because I left while my career was still simmering, never savored.

I struggled with the next line in my story. “What different steps would I have taken if I knew there would be no more tomorrow in my aviation career?” It no longer feels like a valid question. Tomorrow never occurred. It never will. Empty memories reserved for the never-realized days after tomorrow occupy far too much real estate in my mind, leaving nothing but scraps of storage space for the true history that I never mourn losing. It is a senseless paradox. Trying to understand the logic would drive me to mania faster than the pattern of derangement I followed for 24 years.

There is only one path. My classmates showed me the way.

October 23

Tomorrow is here. The sun is still hiding somewhere over the Midwest, but I popped out from under my covers to kick off the new day and run (figuratively) to my computer. I thought about my aviation career, using it as nothing more than a token symbol of countless things taken from me, not lost, because of my MS. A genuine tear of sorrow pooled in the corner of my eye; my chest heaved as I tried to take a breath. Seconds before my body collapsed from grief and regret, forgotten memories crashed into my mind and flooded it with laughter, excitement, and stimulation. A smile splashed on my face just as I looked out and watched my back deck come into view under first light. Tears may come again later today, or the next, but the heartache won’t be the same. I don’t know how to describe the difference between mourning something lost versus languishing over a tomorrow never had, but the adjustment is life-changing.

Today was here. Regardless of what expired after yesterday, last year, or on September 2, 1999, there was still a tomorrow for me. I can’t run anymore, but I can walk. When Rogue came home from school, we took an impromptu stroll through the neighborhood as she caught me up on the frenzied life of a 13-year-old who holds a passion for everything she encounters. When the day comes that I can no longer do that…I will deal with that insurmountable obstacle when it crashes on top of me tomorrow.

Live Before Tomorrow Comes

Live like there’s no tomorrow for me means nothing more than enjoying my time because, unlike the man I was on September 2, 1999, life blessed me with the knowledge that there is no tomorrow for me. My MS will continue to progress, continue to chip away at my body, and continue to take what I have today. Use It or Lose It downplays the undeniable. I’m at the point where I can track measurable loss over small increments of time. Those intervals are becoming shorter and shorter. Capabilities, God’s gifts, talents, honed crafts, or essential functions–nothing is protected. Everything lies in the destructive path of multiple sclerosis.

When I lose more tomorrow, memories won’t rot in my mind. They will remain spirited, sprouting wings and flying through my stories with breathtaking tales of how I used those capabilities to their fullest extent before my MS stripped me of their companionship. When we go for a walk, my daughter will ask me, “Daddy, why are those cartoon birds singing and fluttering all around?”

“Memories, darling. They’re making memories.”

I will suck every bit of juice from my limbs before MS claims them. And when it does, I’ll remember what my classmates taught me: cry, embrace those close, sit in silence, then sing before sharing ruckus tales about what I did before I couldn’t do it anymore. I will tell stories that make you want to laugh at me, cry with me, and celebrate everything I can still do until another tomorrow comes. When Rogue goes to high school next year, then college, then everywhere, I’ll tell stories of “back in the day” when I had to do all that plus a hundred things more (let’s call that my creative nonfiction). And every time her legend travels beyond anything I ever dreamed possible, which happens quite a bit already, I will be there to praise the amazing person she is today and blossoms into tomorrow.

Tomorrow Is Only the Next Day, The Next Day Is Not Tomorrow

English is a beautiful language. Thanks to Germanic tribe conquests of England over 1,500 years ago, the influence of romance languages, and various other tongues across Europe, Africa, and Asia, I can rewrite my fears to dismiss the anxiety they create. Inevitable becomes a faraway journey instead of an immediate terminus. Tomorrow never comes. I can play my silly game and live in “the day before…” like an infinite loop until the harsh realities displace my childish wordplay.

Disease-modifying therapies show statistical effectiveness in slowing the progression of multiple sclerosis. After years on the therapeutic merry-go-round, Rituxan became my stable option in October 2016. Was it working? Would my tomorrows be worse today without those semiannual infusions? Probably. My journey with Rituxan came to an end by way of my last MRI scan. Fancy terms like “T2 signal hyperintensity” and “white matter” provide a bit of holiday spirit to my exam (think “lit up like a fucking Christmas tree”). Extra effort was added, describing the white matter foci involving the supra and infratentorial brain and the supratentorial brain lesions predominantly within the sub and juxtacortical distribution, intended to test either my subpar anatomy education or my exemplary Google search skills.

The VA gave me electronic access to those test reports along with a healthy serving of time to think about any possible directions my life was going—five and a half weeks passed before the chance to talk with my neurologist.

[You are now at the point where I paused my story, standing face-to-face with those health issues and past demons. I could not craft the climax of my manifesto with no idea what course of action I would take in 2024. Pray for the best, expect the worst, be prepared for both.]

Unfortunately, my smile and sarcastic demeanor, easing distress with entertaining tales from back in the day, don’t do shit against the uninterrupted advance of my multiple sclerosis. Tears and hugs no longer lessen the burden of those MS demons draped over my shoulders. With secondary progressive multiple sclerosis, they continue to grow, searing pain throughout my body 24 hours a day. Violent swells, unpredicted aggravation of my existing symptoms, often magnify their onslaught. New Activity is rare, but that’s what those bright hotspots on my MRI represent. What function passes through the particular nerve endings butted up against these lesions? How long before the ability they carry degrades? What will I lose tomorrow?

After writing five paragraphs about heartbreaking injuries and illnesses my classmates have experienced, their physical loss and psychological torture, I deleted the stories. It’s not my place to corrupt breathtaking experiences with my creative nonfiction. The tiny fraction of struggles they shared pale compared to the hardships they endured, yet they have one word in common: FIGHT.

Had Aesop been a member of West Point’s Class of 1993, he would have crafted a fable of Tóra, who cries, hugs, laughs, and sings in the face of insurmountable tragedy. The shrinking rabbit entertained others with captivating stories and antics that enchanted their plantation on the west bank of a mighty river. Tóra insisted, “You simply must hear my words before tomorrow comes, and I can speak them no longer.” Music and song helped Tóra bring his anecdotes to life, distracting his friends from the vicious battles he fought. Tóra grew smaller and smaller every day, but nobody noticed; the rabbit became a towering warrior who entertained the other creatures and inspired them to join in on the merriment. When Tóra finally became a rabbit so tiny that no one could see, they cried and hugged. That was when they realized he filled the plantation with laughter and song for his voice was still loud. No matter how small he was, Tóra would still be there tomorrow.

Unfortunately, I’m not that creative. My reliance is on plainspeak.

I fight, resisting any attempts to shrink and wither away my body. I will seize the opportunity every time science develops ways to hold off tomorrow. All the while, stories will inflate my swagger larger and larger. Whenever you read my words, each time they make you want to laugh or cry, I hope you remember how my own tears spilled from the same humor and sorrow.

I was back at the VA yesterday for my long overdue discussion of those MRI results. I rejected my neurologist’s premise that the activity is insignificant–deterioration is expected–I should stay my current treatment plan. After 14 semiannual infusions of Rituxan, I pushed a transition to Ocrevus. Should that prove ineffective, we will pursue more aggressive options.

November 4

Thanks to my classmates, my wonderfully well-thought-out plan is to pretend. I promise this is not denial, the typical reaction of my irresponsible he-never-really-grew-up mentality. I won’t try to convince anyone that my secondary progressive multiple sclerosis will not progress. It’s built into the name. Nor will I lull myself into complacency that the cure to all my woes is right around the corner. That cure, that world free of MS, is coming. I will dedicate my efforts to achieving that tomorrow—I will use my creativity and energy to help raise the money needed for crazy-smart scientists to do their crazy-smart science things.

I accept the downward spiral my body is going to take tomorrow. What comforts me is the fact that it does not matter. My fight is not a losing battle; my contribution is not a sacrifice. The heartfelt pleas I express for donations in support of a cure I will never enjoy is the most selfish act I have ever committed. The moral in my baffling world of contradictions only reveals itself at the end of my story. That will not happen until tomorrow.

In the meantime, I will see everything as strong, better than it has been in a long time. That upward tick is the reason I have a lot of making up to do.

Rogue deserves a dad who does not shy away from Magical Experiences D, E, F, and G because he was brooding over his loss of Capabilities A, B, and C. Together, we will make it to Z before looping around to restart the alphabet (maybe in the Hangul or Hindi the next time).

I have shunned family and friends while crawling deeper into my self-imposed isolation. They deserve to know the value I place on their love and support. Like my classmates, gatherings will become mini-reunions where we celebrate our common bond, spanning anywhere from yesterday to December 28, 1971. Reflections over loved ones we lost along the way may bring tears and hugs, but they will quickly give way to laughter, singing, more embraces, and cherished stories from the past. Impromptu hijinks will create new stories we will gather to celebrate and share tomorrow. Be prepared for random texts asking What’cha doing this weekend? before I hop in my car or board a flight to somewhere…

Committing myself to a world of imagination, I will dive deeper into my writing. Digital pages rife with once-absurd storylines will become speculative tales of fiction and fantasy, where my readers entertain the thought, Holy shit, this could really happen. Biographical blogs about my sometimes catastrophic navigation through that river just east of the plantation will rattle your mind with the realization, Holy shit, that really happened. When your guard is down, when my stories overwhelm you with emotion, I will drop my shield and beg: “Please consider a donation in support of our fight against the devastating effects of multiple sclerosis.”

For over 34 years, I have borne witness to the greatest feats of compartmentalization imaginable. Applying the brutal force of a heavyweight knockout punch with surgical precision is the underlying standard my classmates demonstrate day in and day out. That’s what I learned at my 30th reunion.

When My Tomorrow Never Comes

When the sun rises that morning, countless others will open their eyes and welcome a new day. Snapshots of peace and anxiety will continue to flood my family, friends, and loved ones. Emotions will sprinkle their lives with hearty amounts of laughter and tears. A tiny piece of that will be my contribution to their lives. The greatest gift I can offer them is another reason to smile–another charming story to tell–one more memory to help ease any troubles they may face. Reminders of how I wasted my time would be nothing more than another burden heaped onto their shoulders, so I will live like there’s no tomorrow for me and try my best to avoid selfish acts that tarnish my daughter’s next sunrise.

I learned that strength of character from shining examples of the West Point Class of 1993, Defenders of the Free.



Please consider a donation in support of our fight against the devastating effects of multiple sclerosis.



100% of your donation will directly support our fight. We pay the cost of managing the nonprofit organization.

All donations are tax deductible to the extent allowed by law. You will receive a receipt.