For 30 days, I will share the
joys, pains, and dirty little secrets of my life with multiple sclerosis. My
goal is to find a reason to convince you to support/share my fight against MS.
Please donate today: http://main.nationalmssociety.org/goto/eleanor.
This is Effort Number 14…
For 13 days so far, I promised
to share the joys, pains, and dirty little secrets of my life with multiple
sclerosis. I’ve yet to share something considered doubtful anyone already knows
or would have ever guessed.
I don’t fear the highly
probable worsening of my multiple sclerosis. In fact, I’m kind of numb to the
concept.
Some would call that brave –
it’s not. Whenever my condition worsened, there was always some sense of panic
and bewilderment. I liken it to a sense of, “Shit. Now, what the hell do I do?”
Every time it happens, I’m unprepared. Every time a new issue surfaces, I grit
my teeth as I crawl toward one of my go-to self-abusive behaviors. I’ve tried
to explain myself before, in Chaos, where I admit, “I am indeed a
condemned man, but not for the reasons you might assume.” Follow this link for
the complete story: http://neverstopneverquit.com/chaos.
Part of me expects bad things
to happen. When they do, as something bad will inevitably happen at some point,
they still catch me off-guard. I detest and fear pain; I’m frightened by the
burden my multiple sclerosis places upon me and the love ones I lean on for
support; the nightmares that wake me up are thoughts of the debilitation I’ve
already experienced and replaying of the moments my life ticked down once more,
ever so slightly. Every time the pain increases, my burdens expand, and my
debilitation worsens, I am gripped with fear. Now, I have a pretty good
imagination. I see my friends and my peers as they struggle alongside me. I
know what can happen. I still can’t bring myself to fear and struggle with the
difficulties of making needed preparations for something that hasn’t happened
yet.
I do have one fear for the
future. The fact that my condition may never improve is the worst vision of tomorrow
I can imagine. Interestingly enough, it’s kind of the stated goal for most
multiple sclerosis medications and treatments. “To reduce or stabilize the rate
of disease progression,” is a good general description. Medicine’s immediate
target is the reality I pray every day will never come. Is this as good as it
gets? Most of my time, effort, and energy is spent trying to ensure I am able
to avoid my worst nightmare scenario.
Perhaps this explains a bit some
of the things I do, and how I comfortably say the words you read. The scariest future
my mind can imagine is the one I’m living in today. Logic tells me there are
far worse outcomes, I’m just not sure I want to make an effort to appreciate
them…
My stories will go on, for it
is the hope is that my story will inspire your donation in this fight.
Because it is a fight.
The fight is not over and it won’t be over until a cure is found.
It will never stop…nor will we
It will never quit…nor will we
This is why we ride!
Please
donate today: http://main.nationalmssociety.org/goto/eleanor
100%
of the royalties earned from my books go to the National MS Society, to support
our fight: http://neverstopneverquit.com/books
Never Stop… Never Quit…®
Kevin
Byrne
Portland,
OR
Never Stop…
Never Quit…
Reg. U.S. Pat. & Tm. Off.
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