Thursday, September 12, 2019

Effort 18 – The Constant Noise of My Future

For 30 days, I will share the joys, pains, and dirty little secrets of my life with multiple sclerosis. My goal is to find a reason to convince you to support/share my fight against MS. Please donate today:

This is Effort Number 18…
We call them different things: our goals, our targets, our objectives. How we get there becomes our plan, our mission. We put into words the conditions we would like to see for our future.
The futures left to consider because of my multiple sclerosis often damaged, and nearly destroyed, my present. The flaws of my thinking are boundless examples of just how much I remain ignorant about this disease and how little I understand of my own strength.

“Nothing good lies ahead in my future”
I have struggled with this statement many times in the past, filled with both absent and well informed understandings of multiple sclerosis. This was my knowledge of every subsequent step into tomorrow. So much more than those dark moments of suicide I talked about before, my reaction to this thought has had crippling affects on my life (and still maintains a presence I struggle with daily).
My attempts to repair the “nothing good” concept I faced often addressed conditions which had nothing to do with my MS. Well, should I say, “tried to address.” I did recognize my depression. While laying blame on the disease, I place the burden of rehabilitation on outside salvations.

My Deus ex Machinas (in no particular order)

  • New job
  • New move/life
  • Winning the lottery/casino
  • New love
  • New recognition for my efforts - there are many, many versions of this expression by me (school, work, physical, even taking hold in my writing and my fundraising…)

Times beyond when ending my future was an option, the desire for one of these things to ‘instantly create a reason to want a future yet prevailed. When those miracles were not there, or they inevitably approved to be a false idol, another form of my depression kicked in. As I waited to think of another cures, I did nothing. My responsibility, my job, was to come up with another plan that would easily work and solve all my worries.

Hours and days passed while my mind remain stagnant, my body lethargic. I neglected my body and mind while waiting for their cure, remedies that had no ability to heal my body and mind — this was not suspended animation, for, through my active neglect, I was damaging myself while I toiled over the disease that was actively damaging me.

This is some crazy circular logic! I am surprised my Inside Voice is not jumping all over these claims.
[I am truly amazed you have managed to discover this without my help.]
[No problem. Please go on.]

“I have no future”
In this scenario, I have no fear about the devastating effects of my multiple sclerosis. This is not disregarding tomorrow because I am going to be dead, by my own hand or some other random factor. In my mind, there was zero consideration as to how my actions today impacted anything…

My task today is to talk about those misconceptions, not necessarily to go into detail on the sordid ways I held to the fact that nothing I did mattered because was there was nothing for me in the future.

Let’s just say my search for the higher release of endorphins found:
Alcohol and sex were my greatest depraved outlets of indifference.
I’m grateful beyond belief other drugs never took precedence.
I’ll group the rest of my addictive behaviors here.
On a positive note, the fact that I gave no consideration to being here tomorrow led to some of the greatest act of love, compassion, and care I have ever displayed; I wanted to demonstrate them today. Regardless of the negative justifications, each of those acts were well deserved and genuine. I know many people who see me in this light. I hope to continue such actions.

“My future is unclear and unwritten. That’s OK.”
Three Deus ex Machinas first led to the good I forced myself to find in the future.
I decided to go for a bike ride into 2003 (National MS Society, Western Pennsylvania’s Bike MS: Escape to the Lake).
The Department of Veterans Affairs MS Center of Excellence asked me to write a story…
Eleanor Rogue Byrne – April 28, 2010

In that time and after, every one of my demons returned. It wasn’t until I put everything together in my story did I discover the truth. I am my own Deus ex Machina.

It was the release of endorphins that first lead to the visions I began to have for the future.
The emotions I express when burning energy and rage in the gym have two effects. I feel relief as I get my anxiety out in a safe and healthy manner. The emotional benefits of look better, feel better are indeed significant.
The immediate lift of a heavy burden or suffering is a euphoric feeling unmatched by any other. When I writing, my malady becomes a responsibility carried by my characters, or secret I am no longer loaded down with on my own.

I don’t think the term ‘nothing’ applies, but I still believe that very bad things are in my future because of my multiple sclerosis. In light of that fact, I need to prepare myself: physically, mentally, financially, and so that, when bad shit does happen, we are prepared. We, That means me, my family, my friends, and all the warriors with which I share our fight.

Good, bad, or indifferent, I do believe I have a future. My future exists on the consequences of my past and present. Actions taken then, either by me or the infinite variations of those whose effects  I come in contact with, will affect us.  Us. That means me, my family, my friends, and all the warriors with which I share our fight.

I do have a future and I do hope for the ecstasy I envision. I will continue to live, and love, and learn, and fight today. I look forward to sharing my hopes and preparations, but I will not wright about my what future will be. It would be a cliché for me to say, but…

I hope my stories and excitement for the future will inspire you to donate to my fight.

Because it is a fight.

The fight is not over and it won’t be over until a cure is found.
It will never stop…nor will we
It will never quit…nor will we
This is why we ride!

Please donate today:
100% of the royalties earned from my books go to the National MS Society, to support our fight:

Never Stop… Never Quit…®

Kevin Byrne
Portland, OR

Never Stop… Never Quit… Reg. U.S. Pat. & Tm. Off.

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