The Emissivity of Fear

R — A – T — E

REFLECTANCE — ABSORBANCE — TRANSMITTANCE — EMISSIVITY
The emissivity of my MS — Chapter 04

Of all the projections my MS effectively focuses upon me, fear is by far the worst. Any pain I experience pales in comparison to the fear of what I will feel tomorrow, or constant worries that my current levels will never recede. Not-yet-experienced losses always seem to exceed today’s sadness. Absolutely every physical, mental, and emotional effect of my MS clouds me in fear.

I REFLECT the fear my MS emits through a thin mask of sarcasm and bravery (stubbornness, ignorance, foolishness...). I’ll share posts of my hospital visits in hopes of eliciting sympathy or reassurance that it’ll get better…don’t tell anyone, I will never admit this!

Through my stories, I’ll TRANSMIT the fear MS creates on “others” (translation: me) by using examples of how they could overwhelm me if I were a weaker man (they do/I am).

Most of my fear has been unsuccessfully ABSORBED for almost 20 years. Unsuccessfully, I say, because I recognize there is a trickling emissivity of fear that will kill me if I don’t get a hold of it. Isolation. Self-destructive behavior. Extremes of health, fitness, diet, alcohol...the slow leak of pent-up fear does nothing to lessen the nightmares churning within.

Writing helps, although I think it sends the wrong message when I project my fear through the characters I’ve created. I chose this blog to focus on me and the fear that grips every moment, the fear created by my MS. My fear has held me back and redirected my energy for too long. No longer embracing disenchantment because of my MS, I will focus on strength, growth, power, and health (all mentally and physically) undeterred by my MS. In my words, I will focus on reflecting my current fears and transmitting the fears of my community. I don’t want to absorb any more.

I recognize that it exists — I know what causes it — I know the detrimental effect it has on me — I know what I’m missing out on — I want to break my cycle — I want to fight — I want to win — I will never stop — I will never quit.

Disclaimer: multiple sclerosis differs vastly from patient to patient. No two instances are the same. Symptoms, diagnosis, and treatment are just some of the factors that lead credence to the saying, “Once you've met one MS patient, you've met one MS patient.” My experiences described are unique to me. However, there is an underlying pattern in the fight every one of us faces.

Because it is a fight.

The fight is not over and it won’t be over until a cure is found.

It will never stop…nor will we

It will never quit…nor will we

This is why we ride!

Please donate today: http://main.nationalmssociety.org/goto/eleanor

100% of the royalties earned from my books go to the National MS Society, to support our fight: http://neverstopneverquit.com/books

Never Stop… Never Quit…®

Kevin Byrne

Portland, OR

www.neverstopneverquit.com

www.neverstopneverquit.blogspot.com

Never Stop… Never Quit… Reg. U.S. Pat. & Tm. Off.

The Emissivity of Loss: Rejection

A reflection on shades of my former self…

 

  

R — A – T — E

REFLECTANCE — ABSORBANCE — TRANSMITTANCE — EMISSIVITY
The emissivity of my MS — Chapter 03

Call it what you want. Moving on – Pushing Aside – Retiring – Replacing – Unwilling – Unable – Unsafe. Any way you slice it, my MS has led to much more loss than just the sensation of my nerves and atrophy of my muscles. Promising careers as a leader in both the US Army and corporate America were swept aside when I could no longer do the job for which I was once wanted. Passions and adventurers have relegated to “back in the day” stories. Relationships and connections were dismissed as a result of my MS — the fear of my unknown, the resentment of what I no longer offered, the rejection of my own personal struggles. What I once loved, stood for, desired to be, or hoped to learn are now all just my accumulation of losses.

I write about and share some of my losses as a REFLECTION of the man I was before MS came into my life. All too often, those images are the first things many people see. Loss and rejection are often the connections I try to make between myself and the rest of my MS community, TRANSMITTING the primary, secondary, and unseen effects of sclerosis.

I ABSORB the sensation of rejection.

·         “Don’t cry over spilled milk.”

·         “You cannot change the past.”

·         “God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and wisdom to know the difference.” ~by the way, Reinhold Niebuhr, thanks for your nebulous cliché.

The burning difficulty has always been my refusal to accept that which I have “been told” I cannot change. Anguish and anxiety flourish when the person I was along my journey and trials, or the person I have become, offends someone because I am not the person they feel I ought to become/remain. Anger, resentment, and anxiety have been buried for almost 20 years, scabbing my heart until almost nothing could penetrate; if nothing could reach my heart, nothing would hurt. Or so I thought…

For more reasons than I’m sure you care to explore, some connections did still reach my inner core. Loving family. Caring friends. My own vision of possibilities. Love. Eleanor. For my Emissivity Project, I decided to rip off that scab and expose the hurt of loss and rejection I have absorbed for almost 20 years. I found there was no more hurt underneath. The only reminders I had were the scars I carried.

The emissivity of my loss and rejection has only seemed to expose a heart buried under almost 20 years of scars. I think I will work to keep it that way. As I experience further loss because of the effects of my MS, which I’m sure I will, I’ll reflect it in my blogs and my personal conversations (my therapist will surely have some busy moments). For any personal rejection, I’ll address and move on; I harbor no resentment for past grievances, nor can I apologize for what I went through. I’ll transmit the pain my entire community experiences as a reminder of why we must continue to fight.

I guess Niebuhr’s Serenity Prayer is not as cliché as I once thought.

Disclaimer: multiple sclerosis differs vastly from patient to patient. No two instances are the same. Symptoms, diagnosis, and treatment are just some of the factors that lead credence to the saying, “Once you've met one MS patient, you've met one MS patient.” My experiences described are unique to me. However, there is an underlying pattern in the fight every one of us faces.

Because it is a fight.

The fight is not over and it won’t be over until a cure is found.

It will never stop…nor will we

It will never quit…nor will we

This is why we ride!

Please donate today: http://main.nationalmssociety.org/goto/eleanor

100% of the royalties earned from my books go to the National MS Society, to support our fight: http://neverstopneverquit.com/books

Never Stop… Never Quit…®

Kevin Byrne

Portland, OR

www.neverstopneverquit.com

www.neverstopneverquit.blogspot.com

Never Stop… Never Quit… Reg. U.S. Pat. & Tm. Off.

My Weapons of Choice

For every share of the original Facebook post or LinkedIn article before September 28, NEVER STOP NEVER QUIT will donate $1 to the bike MS campaign of Eleanor Byrne. Please help me spread the message and support our fight!

https://www.facebook.com/717416896/posts/10157120027746897

https://www.linkedin.com/pulse/my-weapons-choice-kevin-byrne/

In my fight against the devastating effects of multiple sclerosis, my weapons of choice are my words.

My stories serve a dual purpose. Personally, they are my therapy. In a broader sense, I hope to reach out to this audience, enlighten you with my words, and share my message of hope.

It started with me — you can help me fulfill my dream.

“…fantastic stories, where I’m limited only by my imagination, not by the confines of this stupid disease.”

National MS Society Leadership Conference, Denver, CO - November 2016

Published by the NEVER STOP NEVER QUIT charitable foundation, 100% of the royalties earned from the sale of every book will go directly to the fight against multiple sclerosis.

Moments (Book #3 in The Condemned Man Series)

978-1732410671         Paperback

978-1732410688         EPUB

Available on-line with all major retailers - https://www.amazon.com/dp/1732410674

Dominic Bandall is a condemned man. A once powerful attorney in New York City, he and his law partner, his wife Sharon, focused towards their never-ending fight for justice. Now an aged man, his body is battered and bruised from the crippling ailments he has endured in his lifetime— his mind is burdened by the memories of the 9/11 attacks that killed Sharon and so many others he will.

On February 28, 2019, a young law student named Angela Grant met him at his office in Honu‘apo, Hawai‘i, to conduct a series of interviews. What transpired over the next 10 days began with his first confession: “I can see moments in time, Angela.”

Annie Flynn – First Row, Second Desk (Book #2 in The Condemned Man Series)

978-1732410640         Paperback

978-1733968638         EPUB

Available on-line with all major retailers - https://www.amazon.com/dp/173241064X

WARNING: This is a short story. Of the 104 pages, the story itself is only 16 (2844 words). There are many pages with limited text. This is intentional — you must read this incredible story to discover why.

Annie Flynn knew early on where life would take her. “The northeastern region of Syrtis Major Planum. That’s where I’m going to land.”

Experience the magical life of Annie Flynn, from those early years in the first row, second desk to humankind’s first landing on the red planet.

ANNIE FLYNN — SACRIFICE — VALOR — HUMANKIND

...in abeyance (Book #1 in The Condemned Man Series)

978-1732410633         Paperback

978-1733968621         EPUB

Available on-line with all major retailers - https://www.amazon.com/dp/1732410631

Christopher Baxter is a man recognized for his accomplishments: West Point graduate, medical doctor, combat veteran. Chris is also a condemned man-a man who struggles with the familiarity of circumstances he has carried his entire life.

Nothing else changes; no mystical stories or tales of fantasy. What would you do if humanity stopped dying? As the world struggles to come to grips with dormancy, is one man-Chris Baxter-just another unwilling participant, the curse, or their salvation?

The Ramblings of a Condemned Man

978-1732410664         Paperback

978-1733968614         EPUB

Available on-line with all major retailers - https://www.amazon.com/dp/1732410666

Kevin Byrne shares unique insight into the world of a man condemned by both his body and mind. In these stories, on loan from his personal collection, chaos becomes a burden that is no longer his—weighted instead onto the characters he has created.

Included in this book are:

Five short stories

    Chaos: a reflection, confession

    Essence: a perspective on the divine

    I’ll Never Breathe Again: a contemplation of past fears

    Jimmy the Kid: a dark tale of rage (nature)

    His Story, His Way: a dark tale of rage (nurture)

…in abeyance (a novella)

Christopher Baxter is a man recognized for his accomplishments: West Point graduate, medical doctor, combat veteran. Chris is also a man who struggles with the familiarity of circumstances he has carried his entire life.

Nothing else changes; no mystical stories or tales of fantasy. What would you do if humanity stopped dying? As the world struggles to come to grips with dormancy, is one man–Chris Baxter–just another unwilling participant, the curse, or their salvation?

The Completely Inconsequential Ramblings of a Condemned Man

Inspired by a blog series first published in 2017, the never-ending struggle with multiple sclerosis is described through the symptoms they inflict on Kevin and his family, friends, and supporters in this ultimate fight.

My MS and E

978-1732410657         Paperback

978-1733968645         EPUB

Available on-line with all major retailers - https://www.amazon.com/dp/1732410658

There are two versions of this story. When the story was first written, Eleanor refused to read it with me unless there were pictures. The second version is the original picture board used to read this to my daughter at bedtime.

My MS and E is a children’s picture book depicting a typical interaction between Kevin and his daughter, Eleanor. They share an unbreakable father-daughter bond, even in the face of his ongoing struggles with multiple sclerosis.

This story is a heartwarming tale of how they grow, learn, struggle, and celebrate life in their mantra of Never Stop… Never Quit…

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You will get the receipt for all donated amounts (in person or via email). Regardless of how you donate, 100% of your money will go to the National MS Society in support of our fight against multiple sclerosis

Spread the Word

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Thank you!

Love,Kevin

Because it is a fight.

The fight is not over and it won’t be over until a cure is found.

It will never stop…nor will we

It will never quit…nor will we

This is why we ride!

Please donate today: http://main.nationalmssociety.org/goto/eleanor

100% of the royalties earned from my books go to the National MS Society, to support our fight: http://neverstopneverquit.com/books

Never Stop… Never Quit…®

Kevin Byrne

Portland, OR

www.neverstopneverquit.com

www.neverstopneverquit.blogspot.com

Never Stop… Never Quit… Reg. U.S. Pat. & Tm. Off.

The Emissivity of Pain

R — A – T — E

REFLECTANCE — ABSORBANCE — TRANSMITTANCE — EMISSIVITY
The emissivity of my MS — Chapter 02

What is expected of a person who has been absorbing pain for almost 20 years? It’s a slippery slope for a variety of reasons. Showing pain elicits sympathy. Constantly showing too much pain leads to responses of martyrdom, overreaction, hypochondria, and narcissism. Masking your pain will draw connotations of bravery, getting better, or “it’s not that bad for him.” I always thought it was best to show a little bit of one, a pinch of the other, and absorb the rest.

The pain I struggle with is often REFLECTED off me in not-so-subtle, direct ways. I have tried to tell the world, “Because of my MS, I am in constant pain.” I usually do this in my blogs, in search of sympathy and support during fundraising season. Much in the same way, the pains every MS patient feels are TRANSMITTED through me when I share examples of the burdens we experience. My revelation hopefully draws sympathy while my smile highlights bravery as I mock the pain with a hearty smile and casual pose.

  

    

Even in those extremes, so much is ABSORBED. Often forgotten are the normal days. Getting out of bed in the morning… Going to bed at night… Standing too long… Sitting too long… Trying to cook… Trying to eat… Dishes… Laundry… Heat/cold, reading/writing, doing too much/too little/anything at all… Every moment of every day draws pain and discomfort. How do I draw out all that I have absorbed because of my MS? What is the emissivity of my pain after almost 20 years?

I can’t scream. They are a set of muscles in your neck responsible for the production of sound and speech. These laryngeal muscles are part of the long list of muscles kind–of–sort–of damaged by my MS. A while back I was dining with a group of friends when one of them popped their chair up to scoot it closer to the table— and right on to my dues want toes. That hurt; my first reaction was to scream. What came out was a screeching sound akin to a bathtub full of screaming baby piglets. It did not have its intended effect.

I can’t cry. Emotionally, I have become overly sensitive to the slightest tug at my heartstrings. On no less than seven separate occasions, Eleanor had to ask me if I was OK yesterday. We were at the movies watching the new release of Aladdin. My muscles would constrict in my neck and chest. I don’t know why I could not contain myself, I’ve seen the original about 10,000 times. Although emotions are a common symptom of MS patients, mine expressions are limited to uncomfortable “choked up” feelings at insignificant times. Beyond that–nothing.

The emissivity of my pain is limited to my words for now. Maybe this blog is my first step. Hopefully, I won’t be limited to random reactions of “Fuck,” “Ouch,” and “Help.”

I don’t want to absorb any more pain

Disclaimer: multiple sclerosis differs vastly from patient to patient. No two instances are the same. Symptoms, diagnosis, and treatment are just some of the factors that lead credence to the saying, “Once you've met one MS patient, you've met one MS patient.” My experiences described are unique to me. However, there is an underlying pattern in the fight every one of us faces.

Because it is a fight.

The fight is not over and it won’t be over until a cure is found.

It will never stop…nor will we

It will never quit…nor will we

This is why we ride!

Please donate today: http://main.nationalmssociety.org/goto/eleanor

100% of the royalties earned from my books go to the National MS Society, to support our fight: http://neverstopneverquit.com/books

Never Stop… Never Quit…®

Kevin Byrne

Portland, OR

www.neverstopneverquit.com

www.neverstopneverquit.blogspot.com

Never Stop… Never Quit… Reg. U.S. Pat. & Tm. Off.

Emissivity

R — A – T — E

REFLECTANCE — ABSORBANCE — TRANSMITTANCE — EMISSIVITY
The emissivity of my MS — Chapter 01

Emissivity is the measurable release of energy (thermal radiation) from a body. In my Army Aviation days, I learned this as the fourth factor of thermal imaging in the Pilot Night Vision System. The thermal imaging system of the Apache passively translates heat—either reflected off, transmitted through, or emitted by a target.

What does this have to do with me? Simply put, I’m the target and multiple sclerosis is my heat source. What my friends and family have seen for the last 20 years is exactly comparable to the thermal imaging scenario I described.

Reflectance: the damage from my MS is continually reflected off me—my own physical impairment; the limitations placed on me; losses I have experienced physically, professionally, and emotionally. It is sometimes even hard for me to see beyond that reflection.

Absorbance: the amount of shift I have had to absorb because of my MS is unquantifiable. “Suck it up and drive on” is more than dumbed-down Army logic. Even if I wanted to show the world everything my MS does to me, I wouldn’t know how to start, nor what I know if my reflection accurately portrays my plight. I hold back for lack of alternatives. MS has taken so much from me; still, I refuse to let it occupy any more precious time in my life than it already controls. I repress the suffering of my past in favor of promises my future holds. I don’t want the only image of me to be my battle with MS. I hide fear so I can show elation.

Transmittance: my blogs tell me I have become quite proficient in this subset. Through personal examples, I often try to demonstrate the devastating effects multiple sclerosis has on our community of victims. I generalize their effects by showing you my MS. All that I am doing, however, is describing the standard/medical/textbook definitions of MS shown through the backdrop of a target (me).

If thermal imaging ended there, with just those three factors, I might be OK. Heck, it got me this far! There are so many flaws, so many holes, that when I read the beginning of this story, the questions start to outweigh any other thoughts I may have.

Where does the energy come from?What decides the impact energy has on a target and how that target will respond?What happens to absorb energy?When does energy turn from absorption/generation into emission?

A combination of scientists, neurologists, and therapists spend an awful lot of time trying to understand these questions and how they relate to me, the target. Where my personal MS issues come from and what decides if an impact will be reflected or absorbed are often the focus of my ongoing healthcare appointments.

I reflect. I transmit. I absorb.

But for how long?

For almost 20 years, I have absorbed much of the pain, loss, debilitation, and damage exacted by my MS. Time has not softened its efficacy; repression has not dulled their energy. Nor have my dirty little friends been idle, instead raging and burning with intensity. How long can this last? Almost 20 years…

Emissivity is my theme for 2019’s Bike MS. Good or bad…Lighthearted or somber…Positive or filled with rage, my stories this season will highlight the almost 20 years of burden my MS has had on me. I will make this personal. I will show you what MS does to one individual–me.

I will apologize one time, right now, for the topics included in my detonation of energy that has been absorbed and generated within me. I will share openly and honestly the translation of my MS through rage, fear, passion, humility, elation, horror, indifference, sarcasm, and so much more.

My non-sequitur approach won’t hide behind the cover of protection provided by my family in the MS community fighting alongside me. I won’t focus on the statistics and percentages we face as a group. I need to tell you the story of what my MS has done to me and why I will ask for your help in finding a cure because nobody else should have to live like I have for almost 20 years.

Disclaimer: multiple sclerosis differs vastly from patient to patient. No two instances are the same. Symptoms, diagnosis, and treatment are just some of the factors that lead credence to the saying, “Once you've met one MS patient, you've met one MS patient.” My experiences described are unique to me. However, there is an underlying pattern in the fight every one of us faces.

Because it is a fight.

The fight is not over and it won’t be over until a cure is found.

It will never stop…nor will we

It will never quit…nor will we

This is why we ride!

Please donate today: http://main.nationalmssociety.org/goto/eleanor

100% of the royalties earned from my books go to the National MS Society, to support our fight: http://neverstopneverquit.com/books

Never Stop… Never Quit…®

Kevin Byrne

Portland, OR

www.neverstopneverquit.com

www.neverstopneverquit.blogspot.com

Never Stop… Never Quit… Reg. U.S. Pat. & Tm. Off.