A reflection on shades of my former self…
R
— A – T — E
REFLECTANCE
— ABSORBANCE — TRANSMITTANCE — EMISSIVITY
The emissivity of my MS — Chapter 03
The emissivity of my MS — Chapter 03
Call it what you want. Moving on – Pushing Aside
– Retiring – Replacing – Unwilling – Unable – Unsafe. Any way you slice it, my
MS has led to much more loss than just the sensation of my nerves and atrophy
of my muscles. Promising careers as a leader in both the US Army and corporate
America were swept aside when I could no longer do the job for which I was once
wanted. Passions and adventurers have relegated to “back in the day” stories.
Relationships and connections were dismissed as a result of my MS — the fear of
my unknown, the resentment of what I no longer offered, the rejection of my own
personal struggles. What I once loved, stood for, desired to be, or hoped to
learn are now all just my accumulation of losses.
I write about and share some of my losses as a REFLECTION
of the man I was before MS came into my life. All too often, those images
are the first things many people see. Loss and rejection are often the
connections I try to make between myself and the rest of my MS community, TRANSMITTING
the primary, secondary, and unseen effects of sclerosis.
I ABSORB the sensation
of rejection.
·
“Don’t
cry over spilled milk.”
·
“You
cannot change the past.”
·
“God,
grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change
the things I can, and wisdom to know the difference.” ~by the way, Reinhold
Niebuhr, thanks for your nebulous cliché.
The burning difficulty has always been my refusal
to accept that which I have “been told” I cannot change. Anguish and anxiety
flourish when the person I was along my journey and trials, or the person I
have become, offends someone because I am not the person they feel I ought to
become/remain. Anger, resentment, and anxiety have been buried for almost 20
years, scabbing my heart until almost nothing could penetrate; if nothing could
reach my heart, nothing would hurt. Or so I thought…
For more reasons than I’m sure you care to
explore, some connections did still reach my inner core. Loving family. Caring
friends. My own vision of possibilities. Love. Eleanor. For my Emissivity
Project, I decided to rip off that scab and expose the hurt of loss and
rejection I have absorbed for almost 20 years. I found there was no more hurt
underneath. The only reminders I had were the scars I carried.
The emissivity of my loss and rejection has only seemed
to expose a heart buried under almost 20 years of scars. I think I will work to
keep it that way. As I experience further loss because of the effects of my MS,
which I’m sure I will, I’ll reflect it in my blogs and my personal
conversations (my therapist will surely have some busy moments). For any
personal rejection, I’ll address and move on; I harbor no resentment for past grievances,
nor can I apologize for what I went through. I’ll transmit the pain my entire
community experiences as a reminder of why we must continue to fight.
I guess Niebuhr’s Serenity Prayer is not as
cliché as I once thought.
Disclaimer: multiple sclerosis differs vastly
from patient to patient. No two instances are the same. Symptoms, diagnosis,
and treatment are just some of the factors that lead credence to the saying,
“Once you've met one MS patient, you've met one MS patient.” My experiences
described are unique to me. However, there is an underlying pattern in the
fight every one of us faces.
Because it is a fight.
The fight is not over and it won’t be over until a cure is found.
It will never stop…nor will we
It will never quit…nor will we
This is why we ride!
Please
donate today: http://main.nationalmssociety.org/goto/eleanor
100%
of the royalties earned from my books go to the National MS Society, to support
our fight: http://neverstopneverquit.com/books
Never Stop… Never Quit…®
Kevin
Byrne
Portland,
OR
Never
Stop… Never Quit… Reg. U.S. Pat. & Tm. Off.
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