R
— A – T — E
REFLECTANCE
— ABSORBANCE — TRANSMITTANCE — EMISSIVITY
The emissivity of my MS — Chapter 04
The emissivity of my MS — Chapter 04
Of all the projections my MS effectively focuses
upon me, fear is by far the worst. Any pain I experience pales in comparison to
the fear of what I will feel tomorrow, or constant worries that my current
levels will never recede. Not-yet-experienced losses always seem to exceed
today’s sadness. Absolutely every physical, mental, and emotional effect of my
MS clouds me in fear.
I REFLECT the fear my MS emits through a
thin mask of sarcasm and bravery (stubbornness, ignorance, foolishness...).
I’ll share posts of my hospital visits in hopes of eliciting sympathy or
reassurance that it’ll get better…don’t tell anyone, I will never admit this!
Through my stories, I’ll TRANSMIT the fear
MS creates on “others” (translation: me) by using examples of how they could
overwhelm me if I were a weaker man (they do/I am).
Most of my fear has been unsuccessfully ABSORBED
for almost 20 years. Unsuccessfully, I say, because I recognize there is a
trickling emissivity of fear that will kill me if I don’t get a hold of it.
Isolation. Self-destructive behavior. Extremes of health, fitness, diet,
alcohol...the slow leak of pent-up fear does nothing to lessen the nightmares
churning within.
Writing helps, although I think it sends the
wrong message when I project my fear through the characters I’ve created. I
chose this blog to focus on me and the fear that grips every moment, the fear
created by my MS. My fear has held me back and redirected my energy for too
long. No longer embracing disenchantment because of my MS, I will focus on
strength, growth, power, and health (all mentally and physically) undeterred by
my MS. In my words, I will focus on reflecting my current fears and
transmitting the fears of my community. I don’t want to absorb any more.
I recognize that it exists — I know what causes
it — I know the detrimental effect it has on me — I know what I’m missing out
on — I want to break my cycle — I want to fight — I want to win — I will never
stop — I will never quit.
Disclaimer: multiple sclerosis differs vastly
from patient to patient. No two instances are the same. Symptoms, diagnosis,
and treatment are just some of the factors that lead credence to the saying,
“Once you've met one MS patient, you've met one MS patient.” My experiences
described are unique to me. However, there is an underlying pattern in the fight
every one of us faces.
Because it is a fight.
The fight is not over and it won’t be over until a cure is found.
It will never stop…nor will we
It will never quit…nor will we
This is why we ride!
Please
donate today: http://main.nationalmssociety.org/goto/eleanor
100%
of the royalties earned from my books go to the National MS Society, to support
our fight: http://neverstopneverquit.com/books
Never Stop… Never Quit…®
Kevin
Byrne
Portland,
OR
Never
Stop… Never Quit… Reg. U.S. Pat. & Tm. Off.
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