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HIS BLOG: DAY 2315
I lost track of time during my new life in Shenzhen, failing
to share my words for more than 500 days. For some reason, however, I knew
today would be different as I ventured outside. With so many traveling home for
the New Year, open-air markets once again hosted my pleasurable afternoon
stroll. I marveled at the aromas of seasoned meats, dumplings, live poultry,
fresh vegetables, and the sites of ornate silk garments, handbags, DVDs, and an
odd assortment of children’s toys. The merchants always peddle their
collections for purchase at reasonable prices. I was close to completing the
day’s third voyage through Luohu when I saw her.
How many moments passed before my eyes turned away? A single?
A thousand? For the very first time, I resisted that pull towards the one
person I desired.
Even as my heart yearned to run back and scour the
marketplace, dark memories gathered to remind me of what our future guaranteed.
What will would be victorious against What should be. I purchased
two fresh lotus roots and made my way home.
“Why did you stare so long, only to turn and run away?” Her
voice did not startle me, for destiny will always press the inevitable. I
continued to walk but slowed my pace; her stride was much shorter than mine.
“I already found the woman of my dreams,” I replied when she
finally reached my side. “They were magical times — times I would never
consider wasted or frivolous.”
I was cautious with my next words.
“Do I dare let you into my life again…”
“I’m already here,” she interrupted.
“You are. But the question is deeper. Do I dare let you into
my life again, embracing everything I yearn for? Can I risk adding you to her legacy?
Do I threaten to turn my heart and mind cynical?”
“Why don’t we talk about this over dinner? You can cook.” I
found comfort with her simple words.
Is it selfish for me to cut her life short so that I may
satisfy my carnal desires? There is no doubt in my mind that what happened
before, and the time preceding, will mirror itself in her blood. If she only
breathes one day in my arms, though, it is one more than I hope she could ever
take beyond their reach.
So I did, and we did. We decided that everything was too
glorious to pass.
***
HIS BLOG: DAY 1770
Cruel instruction often reinforces a softhearted message.
Today my reminder rings true: it is better to love. In all
scenarios, it is better. She reminded me of that lesson every single day.
“My darling, a time may come when you no longer need me. I
hope you always find comfort knowing that, though I will be sad, I’ll
understand.”
I chuckled every time she sent the text, then fed her my response
to our playful tête-à-tête.
“I always hoped you would remember by now, though I am more
than happy to remind you again. A day may come, my darling, when you can no
longer hold onto our life. It will not be my choice, but I’ll never mourn your
loss. I will understand. I will always need you.”
Then, she would call.
“Like before?” she would ask.
“Like before,” I’d reply, always adding, “but unlike any
other time.”
My prediction came true today. I have no other choice than
to rejoice once more. Every day of my life, for as long as I am cursed to go
on, I will always need her.
***
HIS BLOG: DAY 1448
I wish it were possible to travel through time. I would
visit the day we first met so many years ago. Not to interfere but to bear witness.
What was my reaction when I knew she was the one I desired? Was it the same
image as my reflection in that glass today?
I had returned to the safety of isolation, writing these
words to everybody instead of talking with anyone. Senseless conversations
board me; the only thought in my mind was always you are not her. Is detachment
somehow necessary to find love?
Everything changed when I saw her today. It was foolish to
assume she was waiting for me. Yet, could there have been any other reason for
her to sit alone in that café, framed by the sash bars of its nine-panel
storefront window, staring out to the Rue du Trône the moment I walked past?
Impossible.
I felt familiar breath whisper a word in my ear. Magnificent!
Saying goodbye to my love, I stepped into a new chapter.
“Excuse me,” I said while approaching her table. I planned to
ask if I could join so that we might talk for a bit. Instead, she caught me off
guard with an invitation to sit. My ability to form words declined as I
listened and watched, falling in love with her once more.
Like me, she was far from a place she no longer claimed to
be home. We were both searching for new starts. That silly girl swore our paths
converged because her heart knew fortune would travel down the Rue du Trône, past
that beautiful picture window looking into the café. She talks like I do.
That was the moment I discovered something never meant to be
concealed. I know what I need, and she is enough.
***
HIS BLOG: DAY 1
Why did I choose today to start writing? Because on this special day, I
have no one with me to celebrate. Before her, I preferred time alone.
Seclusion kept me safe in an otherwise cruel world. I don’t recall choosing
a withdrawn life over more pleasant options. It was all I had. It was
enough. But when we met, I set aside my lonely past to become part of her
world. She filled our days with excitement, adventure, and passion. She was
more than I ever thought to ask for, more than I wanted, more than I would
ever need. Without her, I was ignorant but satisfied. But, with her by my
side, happiness blossomed beyond imagination, as did the expectation that it
would never end.
She died today. All I can do is write these words, telling the world about
her. Others might choose to cry in sorrow, but I welcome the tears of
laughter that tickle my cheek. I need no consolation, nor will I hold onto
some fantastic notion that she will wake me from this nightmare. Memories of
our time together fill my heart. They leave no room for regret that we will
not share another day. To focus on such despicable thoughts would slander
her legacy. These words are our reminder.
It is not just the drowning man who needs to be saved.
For a man who needs nothing, to find love is the greatest gift.
Love is needed for the successful man to achieve greatness.
Love becomes essential if the satisfied man is to find joy.
With love, a man is prepared to follow when he already knows the way. Time
will come when they brilliantly walk side-by-side. The time may come when he
must carry her further. Now, it is time to continue my journey alone.
I am already slipping from the reality we shared but, please, strike me
hard if a day ever comes when I pity myself because she is no longer here.
Curse me if I pretend for a moment that she did not supply me with more than
I will ever need.
No, I promise to share the only returns she ever asked of me in exchange
for her love.
Smiles.
Laughter.
Memories.
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