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HIS BLOG: DAY 2319
I’m delighted I took that chance. These have been the most
enchanting four days of my life.
***
HIS BLOG: DAY 2315
I lost track of time during my new life in Shenzhen, failing to share my words
for more than 500 days. For some reason, however, I knew today would be
different as I ventured outside. With so many traveling home for the New Year,
open-air markets once again hosted my pleasurable afternoon stroll. I marveled
at the aromas of seasoned meats, dumplings, live poultry, fresh vegetables,
and the sites of ornate silk garments, handbags, DVDs, and an odd assortment
of children’s toys. The merchants always peddle their collections for purchase
at reasonable prices. I was close to completing the day’s third voyage through
Luohu when I saw her.
How many moments passed before my eyes turned away? A single? A thousand? For
the very first time, I resisted that pull towards the one person I desired.
Even as my heart yearned to run back and scour the marketplace, dark memories
gathered to remind me of what our future guaranteed. What will would be
victorious against What should be. I purchased two fresh lotus roots
and made my way home.
“Why did you stare so long, only to turn and run away?” Her voice did not
startle me, for destiny will always press the inevitable. I continued to walk
but slowed my pace; her stride was much shorter than mine.
“I already found the woman of my dreams,” I replied when she finally reached
my side. “They were magical times — times I would never consider wasted or
frivolous.”
I was cautious with my next words.
“Do I dare let you into my life again…”
“I’m already here,” she interrupted.
“You are. But the question is deeper. Do I dare let you into my life again,
embracing everything I yearn for? Can I risk adding you to her legacy? Do I
threaten to turn my heart and mind cynical?”
“Why don’t we talk about this over dinner? You can cook.” I found comfort with
her simple words.
Is it selfish for me to cut her life short so that I may satisfy my carnal
desires? There is no doubt in my mind that what happened before, and the time
preceding, will mirror itself in her blood. If she only breathes one day in my
arms, though, it is one more than I hope she could ever take beyond their
reach.
So I did, and we did. We decided that everything was too glorious to pass.
***
HIS BLOG: DAY 1770
Cruel instruction often reinforces a softhearted message.
Today my reminder rings true: it is better to love. In all scenarios, it is
better. She reminded me of that lesson every single day.
“My darling, a time may come when you no longer need me. I hope you always
find comfort knowing that, though I will be sad, I’ll understand.”
I chuckled every time she sent the text, then fed her my response to our
playful tête-à-tête.
“I always hoped you would remember by now, though I am more than happy to
remind you again. A day may come, my darling, when you can no longer hold onto
our life. It will not be my choice, but I’ll never mourn your loss. I will
understand. I will always need you.”
Then, she would call.
“Like before?” she would ask.
“Like before,” I’d reply, always adding, “but unlike any other time.”
My prediction came true today. I have no other choice than to rejoice once
more. Every day of my life, for as long as I am cursed to go on, I will always
need her.
***
HIS BLOG: DAY 1448
I wish it were possible to travel through time. I would visit the day we
first met so many years ago. Not to interfere but to bear witness. What was
my reaction when I knew she was the one I desired? Was it the same image as
my reflection in that glass today?
I had returned to the safety of isolation, writing these words to everybody
instead of talking with anyone. Senseless conversations board me; the only
thought in my mind was always you are not her. Is detachment somehow
necessary to find love?
Everything changed when I saw her today. It was foolish to assume she was
waiting for me. Yet, could there have been any other reason for her to sit
alone in that café, framed by the sash bars of its nine-panel storefront
window, staring out to the Rue du Trône the moment I walked past?
Impossible.
I felt familiar breath whisper a word in my ear. Magnificent!
Saying goodbye to my love, I stepped into a new chapter.
“Excuse me,” I said while approaching her table. I planned to ask if I
could join so that we might talk for a bit. Instead, she caught me off guard
with an invitation to sit. My ability to form words declined as I listened
and watched, falling in love with her once more.
Like me, she was far from a place she no longer claimed to be home. We were
both searching for new starts. That silly girl swore our paths converged
because her heart knew fortune would travel down the Rue du Trône, past that
beautiful picture window looking into the café. She talks like I do.
That was the moment I discovered something never meant to be concealed. I
know what I need, and she is enough.
***
HIS BLOG: DAY 1
Why did I choose today to start writing? Because on this special day, I
have no one with me to celebrate. Before her, I preferred time alone.
Seclusion kept me safe in an otherwise cruel world. I don’t recall choosing
a withdrawn life over more pleasant options. It was all I had. It was
enough. But when we met, I set aside my lonely past to become part of her
world. She filled our days with excitement, adventure, and passion. She was
more than I ever thought to ask for, more than I wanted, more than I would
ever need. Without her, I was ignorant but satisfied. But, with her by my
side, happiness blossomed beyond imagination, as did the expectation that it
would never end.
She died today. All I can do is write these words, telling the world about
her. Others might choose to cry in sorrow, but I welcome the tears of
laughter that tickle my cheek. I need no consolation, nor will I hold onto
some fantastic notion that she will wake me from this nightmare. Memories of
our time together fill my heart. They leave no room for regret that we will
not share another day. To focus on such despicable thoughts would slander
her legacy. These words are our reminder.
It is not just the drowning man who needs to be saved.
For a man who needs nothing, to find love is the greatest gift.
Love is needed for the successful man to achieve greatness.
Love becomes essential if the satisfied man is to find joy.
With love, a man is prepared to follow when he already knows the way. Time
will come when they brilliantly walk side-by-side. The time may come when he
must carry her further. Now, it is time to continue my journey alone.
I am already slipping from the reality we shared but, please, strike me
hard if a day ever comes when I pity myself because she is no longer here.
Curse me if I pretend for a moment that she did not supply me with more than
I will ever need.
No, I promise to share the only returns she ever asked of me in exchange
for her love.
Smiles.
Laughter.
Memories.
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