Effort 25.1 – Weighted by One Word

I will share the joys, pains, and dirty little secrets of my life with multiple sclerosis. My goal is to find a reason to convince you to support/share my fight against MS. Please donate today: http://main.nationalmssociety.org/goto/eleanor.

I require more than 30 Efforts, less would create an unsubstantial portrait of the man who needs your support. 30 days is an unrealistic timeline — once discovered, neither accurate words nor the courage to write them, develop so quickly.  How many efforts will this take, and how much time will require to share them? I don’t know the answer, so I will just continue writing.

This is a revisit to Effort Number 25…

Doubt surrounds my decision to post this story. What remains unclear is my answer to the question, “Is this the appropriate setting to talk about my connection to that one word?” Maybe if my story contains ample beauty there will no longer be a need to long for it again.

I was headed into the gym this morning when a flood of memories overtook my thoughts. They were of every instance I have ever used that four-letter word – a word so compelling that it alone has sufficient power to subdue the constant noises I’ve tried to describe.

Not until I sat down to share my thoughts did the realization strike as to why I was thinking about the word at all…

It would be a laughable understatement to call myself naïve the first time I used that word. I was young and swept away with romantic images of instant remedies for the mind, heart, and body – truly the core of where my soul was supposed to exist. When the word failed to blossom, we parted ways and I never gave it another thought.

I have used that word so many times in my life, it is impossible to count individual instances. The context of each utterance, however, to whom and why I chose to use the word again, is clear. Ten unique times in my life has the situation called for cure; five times the word proved insufferable; there are four instances where the claim still reigns viable; for the final – I just don’t know. It’s doubtful I will ever find the truth.

I’m not afraid of the word cure. I love to use it freely in everyday conversation, as a joke with my friends or to lend help to a special cause. Only in the framework of those four, possibly five situations will I pause and think. I finally made my way over to my desk, the site where I reside in quiet solitude, trying to give voice to my thoughts. 219 other words into a story intended to describe my passions towards the term cure, I realized why it was on my mind. I wanted to use the word again but worried if my cries have been exhausted.

If cure becomes my wolf, I may never realize if it ever truly existed at all. What becomes of me if – through my own trials, abuses, and shortcomings – I realize the word exists but will never feel the embrace of her passionate grip for myself? What if cure never existed at all?

Only when I look into my daughter’s eyes do I realize it does not matter if the word cure contains substance in that fifth form. Nor does it matter if there will be more to follow. If my efforts fail to satisfy, I will still be in complete fulfillment of the man I hoped to be before I knew any significance to the word cure.

I hope the stories will inspire your donation to my fight.

Because it is a fight.

The fight is not over and it won’t be over until a cure is found.

It will never stop…nor will we

It will never quit…nor will we

This is why we ride!

Please donate today: http://main.nationalmssociety.org/goto/eleanor

100% of the royalties earned from my books go to the National MS Society, to support our fight: http://neverstopneverquit.com/books

Never Stop… Never Quit…^®

Kevin Byrne

Portland, OR

www.neverstopneverquit.com

www.neverstopneverquit.blogspot.com

Never Stop… Never Quit… Reg. U.S. Pat. & Tm. Off.

Effort 26 – Cessation of the Constant Noise

I will share the joys, pains, and dirty little secrets of my life with multiple sclerosis. My goal is to find a reason to convince you to support/share my fight against MS. Please donate today: http://main.nationalmssociety.org/goto/eleanor.

I require more than 30 Efforts, less would create an unsubstantial portrait of the man who needs your support. 30 days is an unrealistic timeline — once discovered, neither accurate words nor the courage to write them, develop so quickly.  How many efforts will this take, and how much time will require to share them? I don’t know the answer, so I will just continue writing.

This is Effort Number 26…

I had a heated argument today. It went something like this:

I’m done.

[No, you’re not.]

I sent out my last fundraising email today.

[Do you mean your last annoying, badgering, nagging fundraising email?]

You’re an ass.

[That may be true, but you still not done yet.]

The annoying part is he was right. Well, I was right. He, meaning me, my inside voice, was, is — whatever…

With about a week left in our fundraising season, there is not much more direct outreach I can do. Between on- and off-line money received, we are sitting at about $32,000 for our bike MS campaign. That is an amazing number! Add the $15,000 donated by NEVER STOP NEVER QUIT to the MS Gala, and we’re looking at $47,000 so far.

So, yes, in a sense I am done. My direct email messages, social media outreaches, and personal pleas come to a halt — I’ve surely reached a thankful point for anyone who I’m connected to digitally. One Constant Noise comes to a rest, for now.

What can you do?

Three words: DONATE — SHARE — COMMENT

Donate:If you have not had a chance yet, this is my appeal to be part of the 2019 bike MS fundraising support. Incredible generosity got us this far.

• Average donation: $141

How far can we go if everyone I reach donated $141? Heck, $100, $50, $25, $10 – they’re all needed and cherished just as much. I sent signed copies of my books to each of our high-level donors (over $300), but every donation will receive a thank you from me. I do have some friends who keep of all the bike MS thank you cards on their fridge (http://neverstopneverquit.com/thanks/cards/). It really does warm my heart!

Share: I cannot do this myself, nor has that ever been the intent. Your generosity can have an exponential increase just by sharing my messages to ride your network of friends, family, and colleagues. Forwarding messages, sharing on Facebook or LinkedIn, or sending them one of my links. Every effort opens the floodgates that much more than they were before.

Comment: I’d love to hear from you. What do you like? What do you want to see more of from me? What can I do differently to gain and retain your support?

There is so much more we can do. Everything starts with those three words: DONATE — SHARE — COMMENT.

What’s next?

For me, my appeal continues through these Efforts. I committed at least four more, but it’s doubtful I’ll be able to stop there. I’ll wrap up the issues fundraising and then close it out with a barrage of answers to the “What’s next?” question I’ve been pondering for myself. So many changes in the next chapter, but we can’t get there until we close out this one.

The other next is the final push and focus on the MS Gala this Saturday, here in Portland. NEVER STOP NEVER QUIT has secured the best collection of wines in our 10 years of collecting wines for fundraising. 90 bottles and three tastings, custom crated with a retail value of over $5000, will be up for auction at the premier MS event put on by the Oregon Chapter of the National MS Society.

There are so many stories clamoring in my head, it’s difficult sometimes to focus on my priorities. This post is my attempt to do so.

• Priority 1: DONATE — SHARE — COMMENT
• Priority 2: 30 Efforts, and then some
• Priority 3: MS Gala
• Priority 4: What’s next?

I hope the stories will inspire your donation to my fight.

Because it is a fight.

The fight is not over and it won’t be over until a cure is found.

It will never stop…nor will we

It will never quit…nor will we

This is why we ride!

Please donate today: http://main.nationalmssociety.org/goto/eleanor

100% of the royalties earned from my books go to the National MS Society, to support our fight: http://neverstopneverquit.com/books

Never Stop… Never Quit…^®

Kevin Byrne

Portland, OR

www.neverstopneverquit.com

www.neverstopneverquit.blogspot.com

Never Stop… Never Quit… Reg. U.S. Pat. & Tm. Off.

Effort 25 – Weighted by One Word

I will share the joys, pains, and dirty little secrets of my life with multiple sclerosis. My goal is to find a reason to convince you to support/share my fight against MS. Please donate today: http://main.nationalmssociety.org/goto/eleanor.

I require more than 30 Efforts, less would create an unsubstantial portrait of the man who needs your support. 30 days is an unrealistic timeline — once discovered, neither accurate words nor the courage to write them, develop so quickly.  How many efforts will this take, and how much time will require to share them? I don’t know the answer, so I will just continue writing.

This is Effort Number 25…

Doubt surrounds my decision to post this story. What remains unclear is my answer to the question, “Is this the appropriate setting to talk about my connection to that one word?” Maybe if my story contains ample beauty there will no longer be a need to long for it again.

I was headed into the gym this morning when a flood of memories overtook my thoughts. They were of every instance I have ever used that four-letter word – a word so compelling that it alone has sufficient power to subdue the constant noises I’ve tried to describe.

Not until I sat down to share my thoughts did the realization strike as to why I was thinking about the word at all…

It would be a laughable understatement to call myself naïve the first time I used that word. I was young and swept away with romantic images of instant remedies for the mind, heart, and body – truly the core of where my soul was supposed to exist. When the word failed to blossom, we parted ways and I never gave it another thought.

I have used that word so many times in my life, it is impossible to count individual instances. The context of each utterance, however, to whom and why I chose to use the word again, is clear. Ten unique times in my life has the situation called for ****; five times the word proved insufferable; there are four instances where the claim still reigns viable; for the final – I just don’t know. It’s doubtful I will ever find the truth.

I’m not afraid of the word ****. I love to use it freely in everyday conversation, as a joke with my friends or to lend help to a special cause. Only in the framework of those four, possibly five situations will I pause and think. I finally made my way over to my desk, the site where I reside in quiet solitude, trying to give voice to my thoughts. 219 other words into a story intended to describe my passions towards the term ****, I realized why it was on my mind. I wanted to use the word again but worried if my cries have been exhausted.

If **** becomes my wolf, I may never realize if it ever truly existed at all. What becomes of me if – through my own trials, abuses, and shortcomings – I realize the word exists but will never feel the embrace of her passionate grip for myself? What if **** never existed at all?

Only when I look into my daughter’s eyes do I realize it does not matter if the word ****contains substance in that fifth form. Nor does it matter if there will be more to follow. If my efforts fail to satisfy, I will still be in complete fulfillment of the man I hoped to be before I knew any significance to the word ****.

I hope the stories will inspire your donation to my fight.

Because it is a fight.

The fight is not over and it won’t be over until a cure is found.

It will never stop…nor will we

It will never quit…nor will we

This is why we ride!

Please donate today: http://main.nationalmssociety.org/goto/eleanor

100% of the royalties earned from my books go to the National MS Society, to support our fight: http://neverstopneverquit.com/books

Never Stop… Never Quit…^®

Kevin Byrne

Portland, OR

www.neverstopneverquit.com

www.neverstopneverquit.blogspot.com

Never Stop… Never Quit… Reg. U.S. Pat. & Tm. Off.

Effort 16.1 – A Chilling Look

I will share the joys, pains, and dirty little secrets of my life with multiple sclerosis. My goal is to find a reason to convince you to support/share my fight against MS. Please donate today: http://main.nationalmssociety.org/goto/eleanor.

This is a revisit to Effort Number 16…

This blog entry officially derails my 30 Efforts in 30 Days. I can’t contain myself within those stifling confines. I require more than 30 Efforts, less would create an unsubstantial portrait of the man who needs your support. 30 days is an unrealistic timeline — once discovered, neither accurate words nor the courage to write them develop so quickly.  How many efforts will this take, and how much time will require to share them? I don’t know the answer, so I would just continue making efforts.

I found this today. The words portray a chilling echo of what was to be Effort 30, my final post. Instead, this gives me a look into my future by reflecting words of my past.

[You may want to let your readers know that your grammar and vocabulary sucked 30 years ago.]

I think they’ll get the message rather quickly.

Kevin Byrne

Journal #30                          May 3, 1989

This is it! The final journal of the year. So much has happened this year, it hardly seems possible to experience so much in so short of the time. I think that I have grown emotionally more this year than I ever have. I’ve outgrown all of those childish ways, well, most of them (always keep a few!) and I’m really prepared for my big jump into the “real world”.

I’ve seen so many things, and done so many things, experienced so many things. Some of them I am so happy to have done, some I would not want anyone to experience. But I can’t deny, it’s been unique.

I first talked about this Journal in my September 10th blog post “Effort 16 – My Sincere Thanks to MS.” After digging through a bunch of my old memories, I spent time reading through 42 pages I wrote 30 years ago. I don’t think I’ll share the full journal with anyone except Eleanor (it is part of my journal to her) but here are some other relevant passages.

To begin my journal, I’ll describe what my life is like at this point.

***

All of those things and so much more helped me to see just how unique and special person I am, living a life that no one else has ever lived before or will ever live. What I do with this life is completely MY choice. I can live in my way and my way only. My life choices the only selfish decision I have been allowed. I think that I will use my life to be the best person that I can for me and for others. And with just a little luck, maybe, just maybe….

***

I guess that all of my life I have had this idea that there was nothing that could hurt me. I was impenetrable and I could not relate with those people who suffer from some kind of disability. But this weekend, I got some idea of my vulnerability and see how others live and suffer.

***

She shows me that I am not alone in my feelings and that someone can understand me.

***

Today, for the first time in a long time, someone called me a “friend.”

***

And while I wait, I will make the best of my time in every way, ever moving on!

***

Every day, I am flooded with questions about my future.

***

With this attitude, I think that I can handle it all and make it through a very challenging time.

***

I know that what we have will come to an end in a couple of months, but what I have now is what counts and think that what I experience now will carry me through my transition.

***

It feels really good to help a friend!

***

What I am looking forward to is the change… (This entry was on April 28, 1989 – 21 years to the day before Eleanor was born.)

***

Music is a great way for me to express the way I feel. What I listen to depends a lot on what I am thinking about.

On May 3, 1989, I closed my journal. The boy who now knew everything went off to discover a life he could never have imagined. Shaping the man I would become 30 years later, these words are the foundation of my efforts – the reason why I will Never Stop… Never Quit…

I hope the stories will inspire your donation to my fight.

Because it is a fight.

The fight is not over and it won’t be over until a cure is found.

It will never stop…nor will we

It will never quit…nor will we

This is why we ride!

Please donate today: http://main.nationalmssociety.org/goto/eleanor

100% of the royalties earned from my books go to the National MS Society, to support our fight: http://neverstopneverquit.com/books

Never Stop… Never Quit…^®

Kevin Byrne

Portland, OR

www.neverstopneverquit.com

www.neverstopneverquit.blogspot.com

Never Stop… Never Quit… Reg. U.S. Pat. & Tm. Off.

Effort 24 – No Time for MS

For 30 days, I will share the joys, pains, and dirty little secrets of my life with multiple sclerosis. My goal is to find a reason to convince you to support/share my fight against MS. Please donate today: http://main.nationalmssociety.org/goto/eleanor.

This is Effort Number 24…

I wanted to tell you 30 stories in 30 days.

[But you already missed one day – September 13. You can’t do 30 stories in 30 days…]

Technically, Mister Smart Ass Inside Voice, I still could. All I have to do is two stories in one day.

[Oh! I didn’t think of that.]

Can I just get back to my story, please?

[Sure. Sorry.]

Where was I?

I wanted to tell you 30 stories in 30 days. I normally wait until the date to post before I write my blog, maybe the night before. Sometimes, my creativity flows better with the, “if you wait until the last minute, it only takes a minute,” mindset. I’ll sit down in the morning and pull an idea I feel is worth some time to share. Perhaps my inspiration will come when I’m sweating in the gym.

Neither one of those happened today. From the moment I woke up until the time I went to the gym, my mind was overwhelmed with fundraising and planning for my next NEVER STOP NEVER QUIT project. I was so engrossed in minutia I almost missed my 10 AM appointment – my first session with a personal trainer from Specialty Athletic Training.

After I wore my body out during the assessment of how much my body could actually do, I returned home for some fundraising follow-up, meeting with a new potential sponsor, additional fundraising outreach, preparations for next Saturday’s MS Gala, then responding to outreaches regarding my books.

10:15 rolled around and I realized that after spending all day fighting MS, I gave myself no time to talk about the devastating effects of this disease.

I’m Grateful

It has been a while since I did not spend a good portion of my day trying to figure out how I will overcome some of the challenges my MS shoves in front of me. It’s been nice to have a day solely dedicated to making progress in this fight. Part of me hopes more days like this are my future.

I’m Sad

It has been a while since I’ve had a day where absolutely nothing else was accomplished because everything was about multiple sclerosis. It doesn’t matter if it’s MS in general, or the issue is specifically my MS. When days like these occur, I blink and they are over. Nothing else gets accomplished and I go to bed feeling like I have wasted more precious time. Part of me hopes there are no more days like this in my future.

And, if you’re counting, I’m more sad than grateful. 58/42%, by my best calculation. I have neither time nor tolerance for all things MS-related. Tomorrow, I will focus on returning to balance — whatever that is…

I hope the stories will inspire your donation to my fight.

Because it is a fight.

The fight is not over and it won’t be over until a cure is found.

It will never stop…nor will we

It will never quit…nor will we

This is why we ride!

Please donate today: http://main.nationalmssociety.org/goto/eleanor

100% of the royalties earned from my books go to the National MS Society, to support our fight: http://neverstopneverquit.com/books

Never Stop… Never Quit…^®

Kevin Byrne

Portland, OR

www.neverstopneverquit.com

www.neverstopneverquit.blogspot.com

Never Stop… Never Quit… Reg. U.S. Pat. & Tm. Off.

Effort 23 – The Constant Noise of the Loo

For 30 days, I will share the joys, pains, and dirty little secrets of my life with multiple sclerosis. My goal is to find a reason to convince you to support/share my fight against MS. Please donate today: http://main.nationalmssociety.org/goto/eleanor.

This is Effort Number 23…

This is a very easy blog post to write. My debate, however, started immediately. I attempted to address well-formed arguments by my Inside Voice.

[Do you really want to write this, Kevin?]

That was one.

[What are you going to call it?]

That was the other.

[Well, what did you come up with?]

This…

Do I really want to write this?

Not particularly. Certain topics turn people off right away. It’s unfair to the purpose of my blog series, however, if I’m going to completely ignore something referred to as a Constant Noise. The unfiltered me may have unintended and unwanted consequences on my “social life” tomorrow, but it’s a risk I’ll have to take.

The filtered me isn’t much better, hence the “  ” addition.

What am I going to call it?

I settled on The Constant Noise of the Loo, figuring I might have a problem sharing The Constant Noise of Piss and Shit on social media. I think this sounds more dignified, kind of, sort of.

On that note, another dirty little secret:

My body is almost always having some issues related to going to the bathroom. If on that rare occasion, I don’t physically have an issue, I am surely thinking/worrying about it.

Can’t stop going = Incontinence. Did you know there are seven types of incontinence?

1.      Stress incontinence. Not related to but rather pressure due to weight, pregnancy, sneezing, lifting, exercise, and some medical conditions.

2.      Overflow incontinence. This usually involves difficulties emptying the urinary bladder.

3.      Urge incontinence or overactive bladder. This usually involves injury to nerves or muscles, caused by injury or disease.

4.      Functional incontinence. Urine leaking caused by age, physical disability, or mental capacity.

5.      Mixed incontinence. As it states, accommodation of the above.

6.      Total incontinence. As it states….

7.      Bedwetting. This refers specifically to incontinence in children as a result of an immature bladder.

I am a 2, 3, and 4. That makes me a 5. There is always the danger of one day I will be a 6.

[Well, you’re a 10 in my book, Kevin!]

Not relevant or appropriate in this case, but thank you.

Can’t go = Urinary Retention/Obstructed Defecation.

Let’s just assume we all know what these mean. You want to go, but you can’t — I’ll just leave it at that…

And, just to give everyone another wonderful visual, I’ll throw in an additional issue. Rectal tenesmus – this is that feeling of being unable to completely empty your bowels, even when there is nothing left to expel.

I will leave the details of how these affect me every day to your imagination. Suffice it to say, most of the worst things you can probably imagine are accurate.

Yes, there are medications I can take.

Yes, they do work sometimes.

Yes, I do take medications sometimes.

No, they do not work all the time/in all situations.

No, I do not like taking additional medications. I much rather prefer to adjust my lifestyle and live with the consequences.

This is a constant noise. Everything I do is gauged upon when did I last go to the bathroom, when did I last drink, what did I drink, when I last ate, what did I eat, where am I going and what is there. I highlighted that sentence because it is the exact stream of consciousness going through my head at any given point in time. On bad days, I don’t want to leave the house or be social in any aspect. On good days, I am immensely grateful – realizing the preparations I made beforehand and considerations throughout were critical in my “success.”

Yesterday was a good day, and I am immensely grateful.

So, if you see me out and I look uncomfortable…

[You always look uncomfortable when you’re out.]

Good point. So, when you see me out and I look uncomfortable, try to imagine all the constant noise is going through my head at once. I guarantee this is at the forefront.

I hope the stories will inspire your donation to my fight.

Because it is a fight.

The fight is not over and it won’t be over until a cure is found.

It will never stop…nor will we

It will never quit…nor will we

This is why we ride!

Please donate today: http://main.nationalmssociety.org/goto/eleanor

100% of the royalties earned from my books go to the National MS Society, to support our fight: http://neverstopneverquit.com/books

Never Stop… Never Quit…^®

Kevin Byrne

Portland, OR

www.neverstopneverquit.com

www.neverstopneverquit.blogspot.com

Never Stop… Never Quit… Reg. U.S. Pat. & Tm. Off.