Part
13: Now What?
What do you want for your future? How
can you shape it?
These two questions are always running
through my mind, superseding all prior constant noises. June 9 was the first
time I ever had serious thoughts about life 10, 20, or 30 years beyond the
present. Before then, they never seemed necessary. I have no memories of the
childhood version of Kevin giving much thought to shaping his future (I don’t
recall many events from when I was younger, but that’s a different discussion).
Stories about people who strove and sacrificed to achieve their “lifelong
dream” exactly in their always-envisioned manner are foreign to me.
My recollections do not contain any
of those lifelong dreams. There are no visions of me longing to become starting
shortstop for the New York Yankees, no fantasies of blasting off into space on
the first crewed trip to Mars. Perhaps they were there long ago but I have just
forgotten what it was like to be a child with a dream. At least those visions
make it into my stories. I digress…
I unintentionally lived with the
shortsighted focus to play the cards I had been dealt. “Graduate high school
then go off to West Point” was a 16-month plan, the furthest into the future my
goals have ever spanned. From that point forward, I made choices off a menu of
reasonably expected options my future presented. I rarely strayed beyond the
set selection; I never created a purpose. It was a knee-jerk reaction
with no meaningful action plan to reinforce the following steps if I did.
“Let’s just
get in the air and go. We’ll get a better view of our options once we start to
climb.”
CW3 Doug
Davis, circa 1995
As one of my old instructor pilots
taught me, sometimes it is impossible to plan the next 15 steps if you don’t
commit to your first.
My approach to life was in no way a
sad course. I imagine it is quite common. The difference between something
you decided to do and a lifelong dream is the efforts to reach that
mark. I could go on and on about the countless events, achievements, and accomplishments
in my life of which I am immensely proud. I genuinely wanted those milestones
and yearned to see them fulfilled; I even desired some. For many reasons,
however, they were already potential life choices laid out ahead of me. It was
a matter of standing at a fork in the road, choosing to go this way instead of
that way, and making the necessary efforts with every step I took while I
trekked up my new path.
How many times have you imagined your
possible life had you gone “that way” yesterday? But I digress yet again…
When I started this journey on
October 6, 2019, I was not looking for a life-changing goal. For the duration
of the story so far, my focus to fix “broken pieces of my life” was on physical
and mental health measurements. I saw how they were intertwined in this concept
of wellness: my capacity to monitor, and ultimately regulate in a positive
fashion, my responses in each dimension of existence. On June 6, 2021, I
discovered that what I have been searching for this entire time was already
written in 2,097 pages of stories I will someday share with Eleanor. The answer
was not buried in those computer files; it is what they represent. Since before
she was born, I have kept a journal. I write to Ellie as if I am talking to the
grown woman she will one day become. It is a private collection of thoughts,
for my eyes only until the day my journal becomes hers.
I took a break from writing to
Eleanor for a while. There are so many reasons why I did not sit down and talk
about her dad, our family before she was born, our life together, recent news
events, or just simple banter. Yet, regardless of conflicting priorities, the
obligation has always remained. A burning press in my heart started our pages
again after a 436-day hiatus. Three days later, I found the source of this
unmistakable longing. For over 12 years, I was journaling to my daughter in
order to breathe life into events that have shaped us both.
How do I want my future to look? I
want to breathe life into the crazy collection of ramblings constantly running
through my mind.
My journal to Eleanor will continue —
a lasting memory of my unfiltered thoughts. I can picture her curled up on a
sofa, skimming through nonsense rants and “back in the day” stories while
hoping to catch occasional glimpses of her father’s soul. After another length
of time, a day may come when she chooses to add pages of her own to perhaps
share with her child. Either way, the journal is no longer mine. Every word
belongs to Eleanor.
My future needs to go far beyond a
diary for my daughter. I want to be a writer. Countless reactions from my
readers will measure the achievement of my goal.
I want to breathe life into pages far
beyond anything I have accomplished to date, telling tales conjured up by my constant
noise. No longer will I look to put words down solely to ease my anxieties. My
stories will be written because, as my mind floods with the images I create,
sometimes I smile. I may laugh, cry, or even nod my head in approval of the
tale. On other occasions, the crafted images chill me to the core. I want to
elicit a bounty of reactions as I breathe life into stories, narratives,
reflections, and rantings.
To pursue this dream over the next
10, 20, 30 years, and beyond, I must define my life-changing goals. The least
of which includes - I need to learn how to write. Hopefully, that will
be the fun part! I already mentioned how my goal to begin a graduate school
program for a Masters in Creative Writing failed. I asked for feedback on why admissions
rejected my application, but the only response was an encouragement to reapply
next year. That seems pointless. Roadblock #1! I guess I will have to create
another way to meet my objective.
I also need to confront many
long-overdue steps to ensure my ongoing wellness in every dimension (creating
an environment where I can apply a long-term focus towards my goals while
harboring my resources). When I reflect upon the last six months, my initial
reaction is I can’t go through that again. However, as I slowly come to
grips with the fact that I will go through that again, my mind is
grappling with what I have endured and the permanency of the decisions I face
today.
The
paragraph above summarizes the enormity of my efforts explored throughout this
blog series, the entire reason for my work beginning October 6, 2019.
June
21, 2021, at 12:58 PM, was the first time I realized, “Perhaps my answers are
this simple.”
Within the confines of my new
reality, I will create an environment that expands my capacity to monitor, and
ultimately regulate in a positive fashion, my responses in each dimension of
existence.
In less than six months, every tenet
I discovered seemed to collapse under the strain of dreadful events. Only when
I forced myself to look back upon my Dimensions of Wellness did I realize these
certainties.
- I am stronger than I possibly imagined. Whatever is required of me to change, learn, abandon, or adopt to enhance my wellness, I will adapt.
- My body is more fragile than I ever realized. My disability, no longer simply an annoyance, must be a central figure in any plan for this next stage. I will be in significant pain for the rest of my life. The sooner I accept these realities, the faster I can better manage my healthcare.
- Without living my life under the fear of expecting the unexpected, I need to remain prepared when it happens again (whatever shape it takes the next time). It will.
- I can be happy without having all the answers. I can remain content while, at the same time, disappointed and dissatisfied by setbacks.
- I cannot, nor do I want to, do this alone.
My thanks go out to Eleanor for the
part she played in the reset of my view. When my mind turned dark, and I
stopped searching to define my wellness, she was there. My little love is the
reason these last two blog entries have gone from my world collapsing to plans
for the next 10, 20, 30 years, and beyond!
The only way I knew how to show my
thanks was through my words.
This story is one of those moments
which causes me to smile!
The
developing draft of my story will be shared on this secure drive location: https://drive.google.com/drive/folders/1E4cNpkFBU4qf3zYDIqZ5Nw72DzhGe88r?usp=sharing
These are the
thoughts going through my mind as I try to piece it all together…
This is not about what my life will be like when
the fight is over.
I will never stop
I will never quit
This is my story
https://mssociety.donordrive.com/participant/Eleanor
100% of the royalties earned from my books go to
the National MS Society, to support our fight: http://neverstopneverquit.com/books
Never Stop… Never Quit…®
Kevin Byrne
Portland, OR
www.neverstopneverquit.com
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