For 30 days, I will share the
joys, pains, and dirty little secrets of my life with multiple sclerosis. My
goal is to find a reason to convince you to support/share my fight against MS.
Please donate today: http://main.nationalmssociety.org/goto/eleanor.
This is Effort Number 22…
While my claim may come as no
surprise to most people, I still catch some off guard every once in a while.
Almost everything I do is
deliberate. If an action is not, I’ve slipped up somewhere. My MS did not
create this attribute, but it definitely turned it into a…
[Compulsion.]
No.
[Disorder.]
No.
[Obsession]
No. Let’s go with fixation.
[Whatever…]
My fixation on the deliberate nature
of my actions resides in both definitions of the word.
Thought out, judged, and reflected
= slow
As my daughter proclaimed to everyone
in our interview, I’m slow. That’s a general rule for my activities.
Snap muscle actions and
reflexes are a thing of the past along most of my central nervous system.
Nerves don’t fire correctly, or at all. Muscles have atrophied – some are dead
– some are weighed down by the rest of me. Flexibility is reduced or restricted,
hampering muscle contraction and relaxation. My best estimate puts this
affliction onto about 35-40% of the external muscle groups in my body (attributable
to motion). The added load on “good” muscles, imbalance, and the necessity of
left/right working together compounds everything. Put that all together and a litany
of words describe my labors.
[Cumbersome]
Unwieldy
[Ungainly]
Lumbering
[Dorky]
That’s just mean.
[Sorry]
Deliberate is also a
cautionary measure on my part. My body does not offer feedback the way senses
normally would. I also need to ensure that I can compensate for my poor muscle
reaction. Every step I take is scouted and planned beforehand. My hands and
arms are set to balance myself or brace a potential fall. I can chew bubblegum,
but not much else while I am walking.
While I may have some
exceptions to this rule, my power and speed are not generated by quick bursts
of energy. Cardio workouts (cycling, elliptical, etc.) are increased power
applied to a repetitive movement. While I can snap throw a ball with my right
arm, it’s a poor effort since I’m a southpaw. Hard, accurate throws require a
full wind up and delivery, utilizing my arm/body/legs together — I can throw a semi-accurate
pitch over 78 mph, yet I can’t lift my arm out straight!
Intentional
Not specific to my MS, this
attribute has many roots.
[You’re old.]
I’m direct.
[You’re crotchety.]
I need to have my words, actions, and needs not to be misunderstood.
[Literally the definition of crotchety.]
That’s not true.
My goal of describing
my nature is a combination of reasons/issues. I’ll try to
stick with the MS-related aspects of my deliberateness.
- I’m often misunderstood when my slurring or slow responses often lead to assumptions. “Would you like to…?” or “What about…?” can have unintended consequences if I try a long, fancy explanation. “Yes, No, I Don’t Want” are abrupt answers. Usually they are received well if others react as I need but then listen to my extended explanation.
- Many people are so generous and helpful, it can be hard to stop them if I don’t need an aide. I get it – I look like someone who needs help. Many times I don’t; I need to do it myself, for my physical therapy and my sanity. A simple “No, thanks” is often overlooked. Sometimes I need help but react the same way — I don’t know where that moving line is and prefer failing over quitting (my poor logic).
- I’m a nervous creature, always afraid of running out of steam in public. That leads to an accident, embarrassing situations, and irritated people. I often cut conversations, engagements, and outings short because my energy reserve in a super-critical commodity. I can’t/don’t want to explain myself constantly.
- I get angry. When I can’t do something, or I’m forced to do something, I don’t react well sometimes.
- I get angry. When my MS is belittled, ignored, or babied. I react — I overreact.
[Is that all?]
I’m old and crotchety.
There are caveats to this confession.
- Many times I say what I mean, but it’s good-natured because I honestly do want to be loving, pleasant, and sociable (even when I don’t know how).
- Many times what I want to do the loving, pleasant, and sociable action, so that’s what I do (for as much or as long as I can).
Hopefully, most people see me in this light!
I hope my stories will inspire
you to donate to my fight.
Because it is a fight.
The fight is not over and it won’t be over until a cure is found.
It will never stop…nor will we
It will never quit…nor will we
This is why we ride!
Please
donate today: http://main.nationalmssociety.org/goto/eleanor
100%
of the royalties earned from my books go to the National MS Society, to support
our fight: http://neverstopneverquit.com/books
Never Stop… Never Quit…®
Kevin
Byrne
Portland,
OR
Never Stop…
Never Quit…
Reg. U.S. Pat. & Tm. Off.
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